QuestionI thank you very much for your feedback. I really feel that some girl wont just come and snatch him up. You are right, if she does, he's not worth it. MY problem is NOT KNOWING if that were to happen. That's why I drill with the 20 questions and drive by his work. I can't stand thinking of him getting away with something. How would I know if I don't investigate a little? I see SOOOO many woman (ever since I was young) be cheated on ..on a daily basis... and they were clueless for years!!! I can't allow that to happen to me. I refuse to be clueless. I am sure this is where most of my insecurity came from... My brother cheated on all of his girlfreinds ALL the time. And since I was brought up to believe family is more important than anything... I wasn't able to tell any of the girls. I watched him bring a girl to his bedroom, only to have his gf there an hour later. It disgusted me! Anyhow, I thank you again for the advice.. and I have already began to do this. Within the last couple years (ever since our son was born) I have realized that a lot just isn't worth arguing about. I don't say anything about a lot that I used to. But that has now givin ME another issue... bottling my feelings up...only to have them resurface later!
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Followup To
Question -
Please bare with the lengthiness of this question.
I am 26 years old and have been with my husband for 10 years -married for almost 3 except for a year and 1/2 separtion before getting married.
Jealousy and insecurity has always been an issue in our relationship. The level I took it to was very unhealthy. Since then we have been married and had a son together and I believe contributing to me overcoming a lot of my jealousy -although still a big factor. I know a lot of my problems are overthought, exagerated, and I dig and dig until I find a lie or a reason to not trust him even more. Not long ago I found out he was having what "I" call a relationship with someone online for six months. He talked to her often during work and once even talked to her on our home computer, showing her our son on the webcam. I talked with her and she told me he always begged to see her breasts (which he admitted to) and even asked where she lived and her phone number (which he wouldnt admit to). Since then he has swore that he no longer has the means to talk to her or anyone else because he uninstalled yahoo messenger. This situation has brought those strong ill feelings back to the surface and every day that passes I find myself wondering even more if he is up to something else. I drive by his work sometimes to see who might be there, I drill him with questions whenever I suspect anything... and feel hatred towards him even when he so much as looks at another woman. I love my husband and want to remain a family for whatever it takes, but I cant stand the way this jelousy makes me fell. I feel bitter, unworthy and like the worst is being brought out of me. I put most things I feel or think in the back of my head and do not say anything for fear of starting an argument or having him think of me as a "bitch" once again. But waht I've realized is that no matter how far off my mind I try to keep them they always have their way of consuming my mind once again. When this happens I relive those negative feelings all over again and can find my Awesome mood being stollen from me. Not one day goes by that I dont feel insignificant to some other woman in front of him. I feel my insecurities rising to the level they once were and fear that our relationship will be tolerate it. I cought him masturbating to a non-nudity movie the morning after we had sex and while there were over 100 nude pictures and a few videos of ME within his grasp! He saw a photographer taking pics of a girl in a bikini on a porsche and after much digging I began to find even more that irritated me like his story changing and how he drove back by a few more times. These things fill my blood with hatred. We'll argue about things like this everytime anything reminds me of it. I feel it's because they are never resolved the first time. Why do I so desparetly need to be his only in EVERY way possible? Is that even normal? He is starting to really make me feel that I just have a problem. By the way I sound... most would assume I am not very attractive or that I dont have much to offer. Not to sound like I am bragging...but I can't go anywhere without someone hitting on me or rubbernecking to see me. My husband does not have what most woman look for, but I love him just the same. I am often told that he is VERY lucky to have me.. or that I could do much better. It's the love I have for him that keeps me faithful and excited to be with him. I felt that was needed to be said because my insecurity and jealousy are just that much more of a mystery. Like he's said plenty of times... it seems that HE would be the one to have those feelings. I dont know what to do or how to begin to help myself. I dont even know if it REALLY IS my problem. Maybe its his! Any ideas or insight you have regarding this would be wonderful! I know there's nothing that can be said to make this issue go away..but I am open to all ideas to help make it better. I don't feel that my husband would ever cheat on me -the insecurity is not about that. I dont want my flame taken by any other woman.. whether on tv, computer, or in life...if that makes any sense.
Please help.
Answer -
Sabina,
As you've suggested, your jealousy issues are your problem to solve. A certain amount is normal, but anguishing over things is not doing you any good, and there are control issues as well. As you get older you will learn that there are things you can do about certain things, and others you cannot, and you will learn the difference. Serenity is the word I guess. Words from me aren't going to be able to end your battles. If any little strumpette that goes by can steal your husband away, believe me he isn't worth having, fighting over, or worrying about, just let him go and start over with someone else. If you would have dated longer (although I guess you did) some of these traits should have surfaced and you should have probably steered clear. But anyway, what I'd like you to do is think of the thing he does that bothers you least. The next time he does it, just kind of ignore it, rise above it, if you will and let him think it doesn't bother you anymore by not reacting in any fashion. Learn to live with it for a while, it may or may not end but by trying to ignore it, you will begin to make yourself feel better, and by God, hey you're living with it without getting upset. See how long this takes for you, and then go on to the next least bothersome thing and try the process again.......and so on. Rather than counceling this is a step by step attempt to both reduce your jealousy and get a little older each time. Try to remember that you have both been together since at least you were 16, and really haven't experienced anything other than yourselves. It's hard to stay within the marriage rules and have the experience take place that you've both missed, but your marriage depends on it. So try to give him a little break when he "looks" around, looking won't hurt you. And if looks turn into something else, you really couldn't have stopped it anyway, so just learn to not worry about something until it happens.
Bill
AnswerSabrina,
What I'm trying to say Sabrina is you have to set yourself free of all this. I think Jesus once said "What I say unto others, I say unto you, Watch." SO be watchful but not a constant digger. And if he does something wrong, then you have to decide whether to forgive or end your marriage. But you can't really go through life trying to make him devoted to you if he isn't. Consider the girlfriends cheated on, they might of found out but I'm sure some didn't. For the sake of peace, were they better off knowing or not? You are not clueless, and some day you might just want to say to your husband, "If you are going to continue to do things that make me unsure, let's just seperate so that I can find someone who only cares about pleasing me." And are you going to do this with the next guy too? Trust me here and rise above these feeling. Let's give him a chance to fail, but not set him up for it. You may be surprised and find out that as I said earlier, he is experimenting away from the danger of physical contact, let's not drive him to it.
Bill
