QuestionHi.
I'm currently engaged, but the relationship is so messy, that I'm not sure it
will survive. My, then boyfriend, broke up with me in July. We were living
together, so I had to move out. About a week later, he came to my new place,
begging to get back together. I have to mention that we had been dating for
two years, and he went back and forth with wanting to break up the whole
time, but this was the first actual breakup. He had some fantasy about dating
an Asian woman ( there wasn't anyone in real life, but he was determined to
find this fantasy girl ).
The truth is, he was married once before, and, according to him, it was
horrible. She belittled him, cheated on him, etc.. Every close friend and family
member of his has also been divorced, and his parents had a loveless
marriage all through his childhood.
Fast forward to us. We had an ideal relationship, in many ways, except for his
fear of commitment. But, after weeks of his wooing and pursuing ( and a
proposal of marriage ) I agreed to move back in.
This is the kicker. While we were broken up, I decided to explore my sexuality
in ways that I'd always wanted to, i.e. I went to a Swinger's party. The host
happened to be rather famous, and invited me to become a part of his inner
circle, on a platonic level ( We didn't "swing", but we did kiss once, very briefly
)
Now that my guy and I are back together, he's jealous of my contact with the
famous guy, and makes me feel like I'm wrong to want to continue the
friendship. Also, my 'fiance' still isn't sure if he wants to get married, and , on
top of that, we're fighting all the time, though for the first two years, we
never did.
Should we try to work it out? Get counseling? Or did I make a mistake taking
him back?
-In Love, but scared, angry, and hurt
AnswerHi Meka~
I think your fiancee has a lot of unresolved issues. And those need to get taken care of before you even can agree to marry him. Otherwise, if you married him you'd be making a huge mistake, giving the way this relationship is currently going. Tell him that you can't agree to marry him until he fixes all these issues. It's better to do this now than much later. Because it'll be something you'll come to regret if you wait any longer.
Yes, I would strongly suggest some counseling for both him and you individually first, then together as a couple. Premarital counseling can be a good thing, this can let you figure out if you're good for marrying each other. Or if it would indeed be a major mistake. Plus you can find out why he's acting this way and being hesitant about being with you, etc. After all he's doing this for a reason, the question though is exactly why.
I think you did rush back into this relationship a bit too soon. And it might've been a bit of a mistake at this point. The reason I say this is b/c he definitely wasn't ready, and you did it b/c you felt bad for him and guilty b/c he was making you feel sorry for him, etc. That's not a good reason to get back together. You have to make sure this is what both of you want.
The important thing is that you go with your heart and do what's right for YOU and what makes YOU happy. This isn't always about him. You have thoughts and feelings too. And you did leave him for various reasons (even though he's the one that asked you to leave). You need to make sure this is what you want as well. Perhaps a trial separation period is what you really need, to clear your head and see what exactly is it you want out of this relationship WAY before you agree to marry him.
I'm all for working out relationships when at all possible. But sometimes there comes a point where it can't be worked out, no matter how hard or what you try to do to salvage it. It's just not worth all the fighting and everything else you have to go through.
I would also encourage you to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is making you feel. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this relationship. Perhaps you can eventually work your difference out. No matter what I say or tell you ultimately at the end of the day, the decision of what to do solely lies with you. It's whatever you're most comfortable doing and by also listening to your heart and doing what makes you happiest.
