QuestionI have lived with my domestic partner for just over a year now. Before we moved in together he was intimate and very flirtatious. The week I moved in he stopped all intimacy. No sex, no holding hands, no intimate conversation just nothing except a kiss goodbye when he leaves for work. Except for the past couple of months he used to avoid even standing by me in public. Would always talk down to me and if I mentioned I was having a hard time with the no intimacy thing he would say ignorant and patronizing things both in private and in public. If I was to reach for his hand he would very quickly remove it.
When I would ask if he loves me he would say yes but...there was always a but.
For the past couple of months something has changed. He has mentioned that he is stressed about his job and money and said that a new wind was coming and for me not to let go of my desires for him.
I feel like I'm in hell. I get a glimpse of hope then nothing happens physically. He has taken the time to hug me a few more times a week. And he even kissed me one day as I was walking out the door in a romantic way.
He definitely masturbates. I know this because of the towels and socks he leaves in the laundry and even an occasional wash cloth or paper towel in the car. Which by the way after he masturbates the affection stops for another week or so.
He spends much time gaming and playing around on the computer with his spare time. He does not look at porn, I checked. I dont think he is having an affair though he does flirt a great deal with other women.
I have hesitated ending our relationship because of the conversations with him regarding his stress and feeling depressed. He is now pretty good with me in most areas of our life. I have become pretty obsessed with the no sex and touching thing though. It seems to be all I think about to the the point some days I can't seem to do or think about anything else.
He said that he loves me and we are working on building a future together. I don't want to be selfish and do something I will regret.
Can you help to understand what is going on. I'm desperate to either understand and stay or get the heck out of dodge because it's killing me.
Thank you!
AnswerHi Lori~
Something is just not adding up here. I would think that something is up somewhere and that he's hiding something from me. His attitude and actions aren't adding up and it seems as though he's definitely hiding something from you. Why the masturbating all the time and in secret? Is he doing something behind your back that you aren't aware of? Is there indeed someone else that you know nothing about and he's hiding it well enough from you? Is he addicted to porn and this is his way of escaping his stress and depression? Hence this could explain the obsession with masturbating everywhere and all the time (including in the car). This behavior is definitely not normal at all.
You're not being selfish, if anything he's been the one who's being selfish here. He's proceeded to cut you down, demean you and not have anything to do with you physically for a full year since you've been living together. This should be sending up red flags all over for you. That clearly something is not right here with him and in this relationship and you're the one that's suffering here, not just him.
The problem I have here is that you're walking on egg shells around him hoping not to upset him over saying anything to him, or confronting him about his on going and unacceptable treatment and abhorrent behavior. Why be with someone that will not respect you, and have anything to do with you physically and withholding sex and affection from you. Are you just a glutton for punishment from him? His changing behaviors in affection are a little too late right now. What about you and the suffering that he's put you through for the last year? Does that not amount for anything that he's put you through? And you don't want to upset him? Are you kidding me? I'm not trying to be rude here, but I want you to step back and take a long hard look on how he's been treating you, and all for what? In the name of stress from work and possible depression? What about you?! Where do you fit in in all this? And it's definitely not selfish to think of yourself here just a bit.
I have no clue as to what's going through this man's head, and I'm not sure that I want to know either. He seems like he's a complex and complicated person right now, that only reasons he knows. It's taking too much of a toll on you and it has to stop and end somewhere, and only you have that power to make this nonsense stop once and for all. What do you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in this relationship? If he can't give you these things then perhaps you need to move on with your life w/o him in it. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
