QuestionHi again.
I had sent a second question concerning the below:
My question was, I was curious what you thought the problem may be, as mentioned in your first response below..
Also, I forgot to mention one important thing,
my wife is on medication for mild depression..
Thanks again for your advice.
~A
Subject: trapped
Question -
Hi.
I am male, age 39, and have been married
for almost 13 years now. We have a 5 year old son. We are both Catholic. The issue is that
my wife has a drinking problem. She is not an alcoholic, but drinks enough to upset me.
Nothing bad happens when she drinks, but her personality changes for the worse, and I do not
like that. She will not stop. She says she is doing nothing wrong, and that she keeps up with her responsibilities, such as being a good housewife during the week (she works weekends).
Yes, she does keep the house nice, cooks nice meals, and transports our son back and forth to school, but she doesn't see how she changes when she's had a few drinks. My son is too young to notice, but the change bothers me. I have tried for years different ways to get her to stop, and just recently I have basically given-up and resigned myself to the fact that she will never stop. I mentioned counseling, and she refused.
I feel that I need to put up with this forever,
because the only way I can avoid it is a divorce.
A divorce would be awful, because our son is very close to both of us, and would be deeply hurt. Also, we would lose our house, and go deep into debt with lawyer's fees, plus a bitter custody battle would surely ensue.
What should I do?
Thank you.
Mrs. R.M. French Answers -
Dear Andrew,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I have one comment and one suggestion with regard to your post.
First of all, the comment. As you know, alcohol is considered a drug that reduces a persons inhibitions. What most people thinks this mens is that it makes you take your clothes off and dance around on tables. This is not necessarily the case. Sometimes, it means that you no longer suppress your opinion. What I am saying here, is to listen very carefully to what your wife is saying and watch her behavior when she has been drinking, because this is TRULY what she is thinking and feeling. *ESPECIALLY* if you see and hear the same things over and over. The alcohol is reducing her ability (or desire) to supress what she is really thinking and feeling. This may give you some idea as to why she is doing this negative behavior.
Basically, I think she is trying to send you a message that she is AFRAID to send you when she is sober. She is bottling up her emotions (no pun intended), and the alcohol allows her to speak her mind under the protection of being able to use the excuse "oh I was just drinking, I didn't mean it". On the contrary, Andrew. Unless people are falling-down drunk and incoherant, they are very much aware of everything they are doing and saying. She is trying to send you a message.
Now the suggestion.
It is important that you make her understand in a very calm, undetached way, that when she drinks she is unpleasant to be around. Therefore, (again in a very calm, loving, and undetached way), you must explain to her that when she is drinking you are going to take your son and leave the house. Then when she starts one of her drinking sessions, simply take your son over for a visit with his grandparents, or to the park or the zoo or a movie. If people ask where your wife is, simply tell them that she had something else to do.
Do this consistently and sooner or later your wife will figure out that when she drinks she will lose your company and that of your son. DO not be mean and treat her like it is a punishment. Just tell her that you don't want your son seeing her like that and you don't enjoy being around her. She is perfectly welcome to continue this behavior all she likes - she is an adult after all. Just tell her you need to be someplace else when this happens. No big deal, no treats, no door slamming.
When you go, give her a kiss and tell her to give you a call when she is sober and you will be glad to come home.
Now one thing that you must make certain of. When people are drinking they don't always have good judgment. So be SURE that when you leave you take ALL THE CAR KEYS WITH YOU. She might get lonely and decide to drive over and visit a friend or worse yet, come to look for you in a drunken state to tell you off for leaving her. NOT A GOOD IDEA. You don't want to be responsible for her causing a traffic accident. So PLEASE, PLEASE make certain that you have taken all the car keys with you.
Sooner or later she will realize that she would rather have you and the baby home than drink and probably her drinking will slow down considerably. But beware this negative behavior will most likely be replaced by another way of expressing her unhappiness with "something".
Even better would be to try to find out why she is doing this. I could give you a big scenario about what *I* think the problem is, because I see this A LOT in my business. But it would be much better if you could perhaps go to a counselor (a priest would be even better), and get her to talk about what is bothering her. Maybe then you can come to some type of compromise and together work to fix the problem.
Best of luck to you Andrew. I know it is very difficult for you.
R. M. French
AnswerHi Andrew,
Thank you for your patience with regard to my answering this question. My computer problems have been driving me crazy for the past couple of weeks. I think I have them solved now, at least I hope so.
Ok, since you asked, let me give you a run-down on my theory.
****THE THEORY*****
I believe that every human being has within their DNA the imperitive for the survival of the species. It has been proven in laboratories that the reproductive urge is greater than any other including the need for food. However, this imperitive manifests itself very differently in men and women.
For a man the imperitive tells him to spread his DNA far and wide and as much and as often as possible. For the woman the imperitive tells her to settle down and raise children. Very different messages indeed.
During the "courtship" phase of a relationship there is a lot of sex going on. For the man, it satisfies his need to spread around his DNA and it also establishes a 'bond' with the female designed for the purpose of protecting the young until they are old enough to fend for themselves. For the woman it guarantees pregnancy and the "bond" that is formed guarantees she will be taken care of for several years after the baby is born.
In civilized society these imperitives are not recognized and not respected. And so, everybody goes against their natural programming and biological DNA in an effort to satisfy the norms of society.
Because of this one thing happens, and happens and happens and continues to happen.
Women loose all their desire for their husband when their youngest child is between 2 - 5 years of age. Suddenly, the husband can do NOTHING right. Wives complain that "They are taken advantage of" "treated like a maid", "not appreciated". They say that their husband does not understand them or their needs as a woman. They are stiffled in the role of mom and wife. They feel the need to get a job, return to school, get back into society where they can be appreciated and understood.
At this time also, a wife will often complain that their husband does not please or excite them sexually. Some even recoil at his touch or find sex highly distasteful. Many woman will gain weight and stop using makeup or fixing their hair in an effort to reduce their husbands sexual interest in them. They often "long" for a butterflies in the tummy feeling that they "once" had with the husband but that they can never recapture. THey are discontented, miserable.
What they fail to understand is that the DNA programming is kicking in. Their mission has been satisfied and according to the "survival of the species" mechanism it is time to seek a new sperm donor and repeat the cycle. At this time a wife may find a co-worker to whom she is attracted and may begin having an affair or she may spend a lot of time "out" with friends (who understand her), looking for a replacement. During this time she will begin to lose weight and care about her appearance again hoping to interest another mate.
Women who do not understand what is going on often destroy at least one marriage/family and often two and sometimes even three before realizing that the butterflies in the tummy feeling is just nature's way of making sure she reproduces and that it has nothing to do with love, respect and the commitment of a marriage. Some women do not figure it out until their 30s or 40s and some never do. They have miserable lives of always looking for the perfect relationship where every day is like the first day they "fell in love", never understanding that it cannot exist.
What your wife is doing with her alcohol is acting out her unconscious need to move on. Every person does it differently and your wife just has a weakness for alcohol. She is using it as an excuse to be cold, distant, hateful in an effort to get you out of her life without taking the responsibility for her actions. She doesn't feel as much guilt and pain when she has been drinking and the words come easier for her to say - and she knows you don't like it.
I suspect that even though you have been married a long time that she has exhibited displeasure toward you, but most probably it wasn't until your son was born that it escalated to this point. It's obvious too that she does have a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. Any time drinking changes your behavior and impacts your life, there is a problem there.
I have no magic formula to help you make her understand that her happiness lies within her and she cannot find it externally. That is a lesson that we all must learn in our own time and in our own way.
You might try having her read "THe Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" but I don't know that, in this case it would help too much.
If I have not mentioned it previously, please consider consulting an attorney to find out what options are available to you to protect your financial assets in the event that your wife decides to continue the path she is on.
I'm very sorry for you and your son.
R. M> French
