QuestionHello I need some marriage advice. I have been married to my wife for one year. I met and started dating her 3 years ago.
She was gainfully employed when we met and started dating. Matter of fact she was making twice as much money. Six
Months into the relationship she lost her job and I was of course inclined to help out. I also allowed her a year off to obtain
Her second masters degree. After she obtained her masters degree we got married. I thought that by then she would get a job
And we could move forward with our lives. Lo and behold his is going on the third year and still no job. I am truly struggling struggling
At this point in my life and living paycheck to paycheck. Which is causing big tension in our household. I feel like she should try
To get a job that has a descent salary. She is looking for that big time career job which she may not be able to find. Right
Now we are not speaking. She has no bills by the way. I have all of the bills $40.000 worth of debt. She is made that I do not
Include her on the descision making of the household finances. I feel like why should I include her if I am paying all of the bills and
There is hardly nothing left after the bills are paid. Am I wrong? I am already bitter that she is not helping out the situation. And
On top of that she is also mad because she wants to have a baby. I am 42 with extremely bad health problems and she is 44 with
Women issues. We both have adult kids and I do not see the need to start over. I am so ready to call it quits. What do you suggest?
I am so sorry that this letter is so long. I just wanted you to understand what is going on in my household.
AnswerDear John,
You are not alone in your situation. Expectations and assumptions cause big trouble in a marriage and now both of you are backed up against a wall. Consider speaking with a marriage counselor about your situation- when you have runout of ideas, getting a profesional third party perspective can help you find a path back to your healthy marriage.
I am not a professional counselor so I cannot give you advice per se. I would suggest that both of you make a list of all of the issues that are causing you to be at odds with one another. You: your responsible for all of finances. You are in debt. You don't want any more children (is this because you are in debt?)You feel that because she doesn't contribute financially that she shouldn't have a say in how money is spent.... She: wants to find the best job for her skills, she wants to have another child, she wants a say in how your money (the marital mmoney) is being spent.
You noted that she was making good money and then she lost her job...I am assuming this is where it all started. Did she pays for most things then? Did she hate her job? Did you have a job you liked? When she lost her job did you discuss how the money would now be handled and for how long? Did you make financial decisions together form the outset of your marriage?
Often even if one spouse has the debt only in their name but the debt was for maritial use, then she may very well be responsible for the 40,000 as well. Speaking with an accountant or financial advisor may help you find a new way to handle your money.
Consider going on marriage retreat (smartmarriages.org) to get both you communicating on some level with each other. Divorce can cost alot of money, and heartache. Give a counselor or a retreat a try.
I hope this helps
