QuestionI HAVE BEEN ILL FOR THE PAST YEAR AND HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO WORK DUE TO SEVERAL SURGIES. MY WIFE OF TWO YEARS (SHE IS 25, I AM 28) HAS LEFT ME. SHESAID THAT SHE NEEDED TO FIND HERSELF, AND I NEEDED TO FIND THE PERSON I WAS WHEN WE GOT MARRIED. SHE SAYS SHE DOES NOT WANT A DIVORCE. SHE SAID THAT AFTER THREE MONTHS, WE WILL SEE WHERE WE ARE AND SHE MAY MOVE BACK IN. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I HAVE BEEN VERY DEPRESSED (I TAKE ZOLOFT FOR DEPRESSION AND PANICK ATTACKS. HAVE BEEN ON IT FOR ABOUT THREE YEARS.) I HAVE BEEN ON PAIN MEDICINE FOR THE PAST YEAR. (PERCOCET 10 UP UNTIL THREE WEEKS AGO, NOW HAVE THE DURAGESIC PATCH, 75 FOR CHRONIC PAIN). NEEDLESS TO SAY, I HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM. THE PERCOCET ALTERED MY PERSONALITY AND I DIDN'T SEE IT. AFTER STOPPING THE PERCOCET, PEOPLE TOLD ME I SOUND LIKE THE OLD ME AGIAN, THE GOOD ONE. A NERVE MAY HAVE BEEN SLIGHTLY CUT DURING ONE OF MY SURGERIES AND I HAVE RENAL TUBULAR ACIDOSIS (RTA) TYPE ONE. I ALSO HAVE CHRONIC KIDNEY STONES SINCE AGE 12. I PASS ABOUT ONE OR TWO A DAY, MOSTLY JUST SMALL CRYSTALISED GRAVEL. WHAT DO I DO DURING THE NEXT THREE MONTHS TO WIN MY WIFE BACK AND GET HER TO MOVE BACK HOME, AND FIND MYSELF AGIAN? I AM IN COUNSELING AND HAVE PLENTY OF DOCTORS FOR MY CHRONIC PAIN. PLEASE HELP!!! MY E MAIL ADDRESS IS RETCHCRABTREE@YAHOO.COM. I KNOW TAKING CARE OF ME HAS BEEN STRESSFUL. I THANKED HER EVERY DAY FOR WHAT SHE DID, AND TOLD HER I LOVE HER EVERY DAY. SHE SAID DON'T JUST SAY IT, SHOW IT. HOW? WHILE GONE, SHE HAS BEEN OUT TO DINNER WITH A CO-WORKER, AND ADVISED ME THAT TOMARROW WAS HER DAY OFF AND SHE MADE PLANS TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH FRIENDS. THESE THINGS HURT ME AND MAKE ME A LITTLE JELOUSE. I HAVE BAGGAGE FROM A PAST RELATIONSHIP. WE WERE ENGAGED, AND I FOUND OUT SHE WAS SLEEPING AROUND WITH MY BEST FRIEND ON THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. I KNOW SHE WON'T CHEAT ON ME, BUT THAT THOUGHT IS ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY MIND SINCE I GOT BURNT ONCE. HOW DO I SHOW HER I LOVE HER AND APPRECIATE HER WITHOUT GETTING HER MAD? HOW DO I WIN BACK MY WIFE WHO I TRUELLY LOVE? ALSO SHE HAS MOVED BACK IN WITH HER PARENTS. THREE MONTHS IS A LONG TIME. WHAT DO I DO?
AnswerDear Joe,
Take a deep breath and know that you are not alone and you can have a positive impact on yourself and your wife in the next three months.
I am not a counselor so keep that in mind and I do suggest you find a therapist/ counselor to help you through this stressful time.
One way to start gaining yourself back so to speak is write in journal. Write about everything and anything every single day. Write a letter to your wife everyday (you don't send it- just write it) Write everything you are feeling, don't edit it..just write, write, write. Doodle, make pictures, anything! The more you place on paper the less that is bottled up inside, the more you focus on gaining yourself back. I cannot tell you how freeing and positive this can be.
In addition to the above, make a list of what you can do in the next week to improve yourself, physically and emotionally. Begin doing excerise (if you don't already). This increases the "good" endorphins that help to make you more "positive".
Now to address what your wife said- "to show it". Showing comes in many ways in addition to ones you have already noted in your email. One of the best ways ways to show it is to be taking care of yourself. Focus, in the next three months on how to build the "you" back up- get counseling, get a hobby, go out, learn to manage your condition so that when you talk to her you are not only saying that you love her but that you are learning to better manage your condition. If she sees you are taking action to make yourself better she can then see that you have initiative, self respect and drive to improve AND you are learning how to do it.
You may want to speak with a close friend who knew the "real" you and ask them to come up with words to describe who you were before the medication and surgeries. Write these words down and note how you are working to acheive these qualities again.
People do and should evolve and better themselves and you can do this. Your wife's taking time out means she most likely did what was in her realm to do to manage her life and feelings. Perhaps she ran out of what she could think of to improve the situation and needed a break to regain herself respect too. Her going out with others is a way for her to heal herself. You too should be doing this.
Once you have taken action to improve yourself perhaps make a lunch meeting and talk about what improvements you have made. Speak positively and honestly. Perhaps make one or two days a week that you speak about that positive steps you are both making to improve yourselves. Give yourself the space to make improvements- this can only help.
Check out equalityinmarriage.org and smartmarriages.com for info on how to "revitalize your marriage". Smartmarriages.com has a huge listing of marriage retreats that may be of some help.
Take another deep breath and write.
I hope this was helpful.
