QuestionI was wondering after being together for 5 and married for 4 years. does it mean trouble if your seeking marriage counsling.. if so would it help?
AnswerDear Tony,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
While it is true, that often couples seek marriage counseling when there is a disagreement or problems in the marriage, it is not always necessarily the case. In addition to solving problems, counseling can provide a deeper understanding and appreciation of the other person and serve to improve a relationship.
If you have discovered that your wife is seeking counseling and has not told you about it, you might sit down with her and try to discover if there is some problem that she would like to discuss. If she states that there is no problem, you might consider offering to go to couples counseling with her. If she refuses this offer, I would strongly suspect that there is a problem out there that she is keeping from you.
Good communication is vital in any relationship and if you feel there are issues that are not being addressed, it would definitely be to your advantage to try to discover the nature of them so that they can be worked on.
By the way, from my many years of experience. I will give you a guess at what the problem is. One of two scenarios.... Ready?
Scenario #1: Your wife feels that you don't love her the way you used to. You don't treat her the way you used to. She feels that she is only there for your convenience and that you don't care about her happiness as a person or her feelings at all. She longs for romance - the way she felt when you were dating. She longs to feel that she is beautiful and desired (but not in a sexual way - in fact, she feels that the only time you are affectionate to her is when you want sex - which, after 5 years, probably isn't often).
Senario #2: She loves you but isn't "in love" with you any more. You don't appreciate her for who she is but take advantage of her. You don't appreciate her mind, her talents, her abilities. She longs to be free and achieve her true potential in life. She feels trapped in the relationship and feels that she is going nowhere as a person.
In either case, if she isn't working outside the home, she will undoubtedly want to get a job or "go back to school", in order to realize her potential and find people who appreciate her for who she truly is. Sadly, this usually means finding a MAN who can give her all the things that she feel is currently lacking in her relationship with you.
Tony, this is an old, old, old story that I hear 100 times a week from men who are totally bewildered at what has happened to the woman that he married. I could go into a long explanation of WHY this happens, but it isn't going to change anything. Your wife has expectations that you cannot satisfy. If she cannot come to the realization that those expectations are unrealistic, then she will seek out someone else to satisfy them. This pattern will continue until she comes to an understanding of her feelings and learns to deal with them, or perhaps never.
Attempting to correct the situation with counseling is a good idea, but both parties must be willing to work through the issues. If you cannot elicit her cooperation you must consider that the marriage may not survive.
If you think this might be the case, please consider your material assets and seek legal advice at the earliest opportunity.
I hope everything works out for you. Please feel free to contact me again if you wish to.
R. M. French
