QuestionI'm a 39 year old woman, previously married and now re-married - no children. When I was married to my ex-husband, we disagreed and sometimes raised our voices, but we never belittled each other, cursed at each other. We ended our 13 year marriage after realizing we became roommates and wanted different things out of life. Suffice to say we were better off as friends.
I remarried about a year and a half after the divorce to a man who made me laugh, is an achiever and really took interest in me, not as being a maid or mother. Yes, Rita, I thought he was "the one" and was so in love.
Well, about a month before we married, we argued heavily over several things, but for the most part: (1) I was selling my house with my ex-husband, which he made sure I had out of his and my name (for his pride, not the necessity for money); (2)I moved in with him a few months before we were married and realized many things about him were not as he led me to believe (cooking with me, cleaning with me, sharing the responsibility of our together 4 dogs and 2 cats); and (3) strip clubs and over-friendly relationships. We argued heavily that night, to the point I was sick with grief and could barely control my tears. After hours of me crying, he had fallen asleep. I was exhausted and relented to sleep also. The next morning he hugged me in bed, said "good morning" and kissed me as though yesterday didn't happen. I was floored that he didn't see past my red swollen eyes from crying and little sleep, or that we had just had the worst fight ever and that he didn't say he was sorry for yelling. It was like it NEVER happened. Well, against my better judgment, I looked away and said we were just stressed out, probably just needed to vent and that he loved me and wouldn't deliberately hurt me.
It's now been almost five years and, from one year, one month, one day, sometimes one hour to the next, he loses his temper and yells at me in the worst way. After the many arguments, I've learned to do the same thing, and it just keeps getting worse every time. We now completely disrespect each other - I tearfully submit most often and apologize quickly - he does neither. It just ends the same way...him, getting angry, mocking me and telling me it's all my fault, and me, in tears and yelling for whatever reason, followed by a quick apology and aching in my heart.
He went out with friends one night and, unless I asked him, was going to omit telling me he went to a strip club. He knows how degrating I feel those places are, and worse, he planned, went and returned home with the intent of NOT telling me. That broke me and it was as though he cheated on me. I was teary-eyed and sleepless for three days, and heartbroken that he thought so little of my feeling. What tore me up was his intent to keep it from me was as though lied anyway. After a few days we simply agreed that we disagreed. I love him, I want my marriage to work, and he said we wouldn't hurt me that way again. Now his best friend is getting married, and while arguments have been over things, like the dogs, the house, money, strip clubs are my breaking point. I know his heart means well, and he just loses his temper, but the arguments are NEVER ENDING and only getting worse. This is not what I signed up for. Help!
AnswerHello Lora,
Time for a counselor.Either a minister or a professional.Your marriage is in deep trouble.Too many problems.Quit making allowances for his temper and the arguing.
You are wearing yourself out.If he won't attend counseling,love or not,time to call it quits for your own mental well being.
After 5 years of verbally abusing each other,it is no longer love,just a couple of people existing.You can do better.
Rita
