QuestionMy husband and I have been married for 11 years. He is 44 (I'm 39). We have 3 kids; 1 from my previous marriage and 2 together.
I have a large extended family, and am from a family of 4 kids. Both of my parents are still alive and in their early 60's. My husband's parents died many years ago (before we met), and his adopted sister is his only living relative. He never had a lot of family around growing up.
My husband has suddenly decided he is no longer going to attend any of my family functions. He has been to every one during our marriage, and has even been sociable during them. He never really enjoyed the get-togethers though. He even attended my cousin's wedding a couple years ago, giving up an annual golf outing that's held in honor of his deceased parents. He has always been a good sport about these family happenings until now.
I always felt that family get-togethers were one of those obligatory functions that you just do, and that there really was no choice. I love my family, and we all get along well. My siblings and I sometimes have our squabbles, but we always work it out. My husband thinks my family is "fake," because we get mad at each other on occasion but remain loving face to face.
We are supposed to attend a family barbeque this Saturday, and my husband absolutely refuses to go. I am upset because I don't know what I'm supposed to tell everyone else as to why my husband isn't there. He will be the only one not attending. It's going to be embarrassing for me, because he's never missed an gathering. My kids are a little upset he's not going too.
Is he in the right by refusing to go to anymore family gatherings? If he is, please let me know. I don't want to be unfair. Thank you!
AnswerDear Lisa,
Well, I missed giving you advice before Saturday, but I hope the following is helpful.
Sometimes loved ones "handle" sitautions (functions) for so long as they can find ways to deal with them. Sounds as though your spouse has run out of ways to "handle" and has gone on strike. My guess is that he feels overhelmed (with other things outside of the family gatherings) and this never going to another family gathering again is not forever.
A place to start would be give a little understanding....his parents are no longer around to even have "fake" relationships with him so to be around every getting together may bring up certain feelings that he is having so difficulty facing or working through. Perhaps recognizing his years of dutiful attendance and letting him off the hook for the next few months maybe just what he needs. Consider asking him, after a few months, to choose 2 functions a year that you feel his presence would be of great importance to you. This turns the pressure into a choice and who knows he may go to more! But he will at least be at two.
As to what to tell you family- simplying saying that he enjoys family time he needs to focus on some dad/ husband only time. It's healthy for a spouse to have an opportunity to spend a day or two with just themselves.
My guess, as I am not a counselor, is that there are new things happening in his life that has caused him to say enough of the extended family get-togethers, at least for a little while.
I hope this was helpful.
