QuestionDear Mrs. R.M. French ,
I really thanks you for your lovely answer, but honestly I have to admit that I'm afraid. I love this girl so much and I want to marry her, but I fear the nature of the woman, you will understand this since you are a lady. I'm actually afraid of menopause, in addition to this some say that by time when she gets older she won't be able to satisfy my sexual desires and ofcousre when I become unsatisfied sexually with this girl I'll look for a younger one to satisfy my needs.
I live in an eastern country, and here not like the western world, we are always tied by our parents opinions, and it's always difficult to do anything against their will. it's not as easy as you think to make our parents agree on this marriage, I'm afraid they'll never agree, and ofcourse we can't run away and live without them, our love for our parents will stop us from getting married against their will. this is really so confusing and hard for me. the pain i live in is unbarable, we're not talking anymore like we used to because of our parents, and honestly i think that this is the end of our love.
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Followup To
Question -
I'm 22 and I'm in love with a girl who loves me so much, she's so close to my heart and she understands me so well, I really want to marry her, but she's older than me by almost 8 years. I'm afraid that our parents won't agree. Her parents refused to let her sister marry a guy who was younger by 2 years only, they said that it's not right to do so and insisted on their opinion. Although she wants to marry me, she feels that it's impossible that we get married, and that we can't ask God to grant us something that is impossible. She's afraid that after 10 years or so I'll regret marrying her because she will start becoming old and that I will feel that I want to get married to someone younger, even though I have to admit that I think of this issue, I still want to marry her and I keep asking God to make it a successful marriage.
I really don't know what to do, I don't want to just give up and leave the girl I want to share my life with, but this is making both of us so sad, and many times so desperate.
Answer -
Dear Sherief,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I do not believe that a difference in ages has any effect on the happiness or success of a marriage relationship.
We must understand that time as we know it is an artifical device that has been created by modern man. There is no such thing as minutes, hours, weeks or years in the natural world. It is something that has been created artifically so that people are not late for appointments.
People mature and age at vastly different rates. I'm sure that you have seen individuals who look very young at 40 and others who seem much older for their age. It is impossible to say then, that a forty-year-old person looks a certain way or acts a certain way because everyone is completely different. Therefore to say that a person of a "certain" age is too old is silly. Even though a person is 30 or 40 they could look, think and behave much more youthfully.
I think what is important in a relationship is that the two people are compatible, love eac hother and have the desire to make the marriage work. I do not believe that age should be a consideration or a factor in deciding who your future mate should be. If your parents do not approve of this relationship, perhaps you should ask them if they would rather have you be happy with the woman you love or marry someone that will bring you life-long misery and sadness. If they love you as a parent should, they will give you their blessings and be happy that you have found someone who cares for you so deeply.
As for the concern that you will "find someone younger". You will find that as the years go buy, that YOU will age also! Eight years is not that big a difference! And as you age together and grow in love together you will not even give this issue a second thought! You do not love a number - you love a person, and such an insignificant thing as age will not even be a consideration many years from now.
Ironically, many times I receive letters from men who have had unhappy relationships with women who are immature and self-centered and have been divorced. My advice to them is to find an older woman next time who loves and appreciates them and has gotten past the emotionally maturing process. Most older woman have the life experience to appreciate a relationship much more so than a younger one.
Follow your heart, Sherief, and marry the woman you love. You will never regret it.
Best wishes,
R. M. French
AnswerDear Sherief,
I understand that there are cultural differences between us that may strongly impact your relationship with your beloved. You do not mention your ages in your two letters to me, but I am beginning to think that perhaps your girlfriend is fairly mature and perhaps your parents are concered that it is too late for grandchildren. I can see how your parents in particular would be concerned about this issue.
Parents everywhere can be difficult but in your culture, where a parent does have a much greater role in your life it certainly would be stressful and difficult not to have their approval. I do get letters from people in Eastern countries from time to time where they do not get along with their husband's family and it is very difficult because families are so close there.
As for menopause, it is not as traumatic as it once was, thanks to many good hormone replacement therapies that are available. With good treatment you will not notice any difference in your girlfriend other than her no longer being fertile. For many couples this is more of a blessing than anything. It certainly should have no effect on her sexual needs or desires or ability to please you as you are concerned about. Many women find that they are more sexual after menopause because the fear of pregnancy is gone leaving them to enjoy themselves more.
I would strongly suggest that you talk with both parents in a very calm and mature way and explain your feelings. Perhaps if they see how much she means to you they will put their own fears and feelings aside for your happiness. If they refuse to accept the union, you and your fiancee must decide the course of your future. If neither of you can live with an estrangement from your family, sadly, perhaps both of you will have to move on with your lives.
Just remember that finding someone who "understands you well", loves and accepts you for who you are is very difficult in today's world, East or West, so think about that when making your decisions for the future.
Best of luck to you Sherief, I hope that it works out for the best.
R. M. French
