QuestionHi, I am a 44 yr old American man that retired from the military and moved to Austria and married a 33 year old Austrian woman. My problem, my wife does not find it important for us to have quality time alone. We have been married less than a year. Without exaggerating, we spend 27 or 28 days every month on the go with my wifes friends until at least 9 or 10pm and weekends it's til early in the morning. On numerous occasions she will go off talking with friends as if I weren't even there. Seldom is there consideration by her or her friends when I am around to speak in English, for which most of them speak well. I have lived here now for 11 months. I do not even come close to speaking fluent german and I do not understand or speak any of the dialect that my wife and her friends speak. I can be with 20 people and still feel alone. I have asked my wife to help teach me this language but she never has the time for it. As far as time is concerned, I asked her if we could set one day a week aside for just her and I. I have stopped this now because everytime this day came up she always has a couple things she must do with friend(s) before we have our time together, and comments, "can we start our time at 7 or 8pm?". I am starting to think she married me for reasons other than love. One problem is that her friends have her living in the clouds. She is the energy that they live on and she is queen of the group. I don't know what to do. To make it simple: My wife's friends come first in her life; she has not spent more than 2 hours helping me learn the language; also, she will consistently make plans with friends and then ask me later if I'm interested in doing the same thing, if I say no - then she sometimes will leave me at home and do the planned event with friends. The more I read my own words the more I realize what a fool I am. Please understand, I have talked calmly with my wife to the point of exhaustion. Everytime we discuss this she has a comment or twists things around to make it all seem like it's my fault. For instance, language, "Sweetie, can you help me learn this language so I can have fun with our friends as well?" response, "Why haven't you ever asked me to help you before? You only say to me can you help me. I think you really don't want to learn." I spend hours every night after she goes to bed sitting in front of my books and reading. When I talk to her about our special time she responds with "Why is it so important that we are together alone, as long as we are together it shouldn't matter if we are with friends or not." My wife is 33 but thinks like a 17 yr old - I think anyways. Sex.... can you believe we have sex only 6 or 7 times a month and then it's only quickies because we have places to be or people to meet. I have spoken with her closests friends about this and they understand and see the same things I do. Her friends will not say anything to her though because they don't want to jeapordize their friendship. Please, can you give me advice? I'm ready to pack my bags and get on the next plane back to America.
AnswerDear Darron,
I'm sure you have reread your email to me and are realizing that you have done, everything in your power to make it work with two exceptions- going to counseling for the two of you or check ing out a few books (I'll list them) and you perhaps having talk with her about how serious this is and that you have considered ending the marriage.
You may want to review your relationship prior to marriage and moving to Austria. When you were dating did she always hang out with her friends this much and if so, did you speak to her about it? Did you discuss how you spend your days. It is not uncommon for individuals to think after marriage things will get better, or they will change. Perhaps the two of you had different expectations and assumptions? Using a marriage counselor may be helpful in deciding if the two of you can arrive upon a compromise that is realistic. Knowing your boundaries will be helpful.
Check out "12 hours to a Great Marriage" by Markman and Stanley, also "World Class Marriage" by Howell and Jones. Both are excellent.
I hope this was helpful.
