QuestionI'm 42, been married 21 years and have three kids (14,12 and 7). I went back to work as an RN about a year ago and also help my husband with his very successful business. I don't need to work, but feel I should. For one, it makes me feel good about myself, little else does. My husband has always been very hurtful to me. We rarely have sex, I suspect infidelity in the past and he tells me he doesn't like how I look, thus the reason we don't have sex. I've never been one who has much self confidence and those comments really hurt me a lot. He knows it and doesn't seem to care. Since being married, we've had problems with his family. They never call us unless they need something. We've recently saw the light and don't bother with them anymore. It is unfortunate, but it isn't fun being used. If we need them, they are never there for us.
I guess my thing is that I'm very unhappy. I can't imagine leaving Kevin, but I hate my life. I worked soooo hard to get back into nursing, would love to be an ICU nurse, even if it is just for a year for the experience, but my husband says with three kids I shouldn't be looking at a career now. He's never interferred with my desires in life, but doesn't seem to think this is worth it. Like I said, I don't need to work, but like knowing this is MY career and it's what I can fall back on. I was sick of being in a position where I had to rely on him.
I hate myself so much. I hate the way I look and have no faith in myself that I can lose weight. Sometimes I think I stay fat just to hurt my husband and/or eat just to feel a void in my life. Last I looked, my husband wasn't perfect either, but I still care about him. I thought the plan was to get old together. What hurts is that I tell him how I feel and nothing changes. Everyone has needs and I'm amazed that I nearly beg for sex and he does not care at all.
Will I ever feel good about myself? I do so much for Kevin. I still work for him while I work at the hospital. If it is a payday for his 70 employees, I get up at 3 am to get payroll done, then get ready for the hospital getting there by 615 am and work a 12 hour day. I still do whatever it takes for him, but he is just so uncaring towards me. He denies he ever cheated on me, but my heart says otherwise.
Help me to understand why I do so much for others, especially Kevin and am treated like crap. How can I gain some confidence? Thanks so much.
AnswerDear Lisa,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I am thinking that a good portion of the difficulty stems from control issues. From what you tell me, I feel that both you and your husband are very strong willed. You have your agenda and he has his. You love each other and because of that, you are willing to compromise, but throughout the years these compromises have built some resentment and hard feelings on both your parts.
Your resentment and hard feelings come in the form of martyrism which is best demonstrated by your getting up at 3 am to do the payroll for your husband. His resentment and hard feelings comes in the form of withholding affection and acting disinterested in your life's plans and goals.
He does not want you to work. But instead of saying this to you, he chooses the passive-aggressive route and acts distant. You want to work at a job (other than with him and taking care of the children)and rather than confronting him with your difference of opinion you choose to be the martyr and the victimized woman. Your actions punish him and his actions punish you.
Not a very pretty picture is it?
First of all, I think your husband is threatened by your working. Many men are. He is a strong, hard working, motivated man, otherwise he would not have a "very successful business". He is used to being in charge and likes it that way. He cannot understand why you are not happy to have him be the sole breadwinner and provider for the family. He is hurt and insulted that you are "sick ov being in a position where you have to rely on him". That is exactly what he wants.
You, on the other hand want to be independant. You are obviously an intelligent woman who has her own goals and dreams for the future.
Well, Lisa - here comes the part that you won't like. Ready?
I am an old fashioned sort of gal, with old fashioned values and sensibilities. I believe that marriage was "created" for a purpose and that purpose was for the happiness of both parties involved. The history of marriage went along for many centuries just fine. People married, raised families and, although there were times when, perhaps everything wasn't perfect, it worked - and it worked well.
Then something happened right around World War II that changed this country forever. Women, for the first time joined the work force in large numbers and tasted the power and freedom that goes along with that. And they liked it.
Suddenly the heart and soul of marriage was changed forever. With the creation of the women's movement (feminism) in the 1960s and 1970s, this change grew to monumental proportions. Unfortunately, a whole new set of problems were created because of these events.
What I am about to say is going to turn you off of my response. I am not asking you to agree with me, I am only asking you to hear me out and think about what I am saying.
When you married your husband, you took a vow (whether traditional or not), to love him "no matter what". The old traditional vows were the "for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and health, etc". And he did the same for you.
In each and every marriage that exists and has existed since time began it is the wife that sustains it. It is the wife that compromises, it is the wife that sacrifices. Why? Because SOMEONE HAS TO. Men by and large are simple creatures (I and I say that with no malice). Women are more complex and have a greater ability to compromise and adapt than men do. Because of this we were, and are, the ones who create and maintain a marraige.
In order to do this you have to give in. If you do not, then resentments and anger grows and eventually the marriage is destroyed. That is why, since the women's movement the divorce rate has skyrocketed. NOT because women are less happy than they were 100 years ago. But because they are less willing to give in to make a marriage work.
Lisa, I'm afraid that your choices are few. You can continue the path you are traveling now - being independant and strong willed. And you can watch your marriage crumble or you can make up your mind that YOU are going to be the one that saves it. Everything in this marriage is completely up to you, whether you realize it or not. You are in complete control of the situation. But you must decide if being married is more important that following your chosen career path - or vice versa.
Nobody but you knows the answer to that question. You feel that you cannot be "somebody" without having a high-powered career. But in fact, being a good wife to your husband is the ONE THING that you can do that will make the biggest difference in the entire world. Yes, being a nurse is wonderful. You save lives, you give so much to people. But truthfully, Lisa, there are many nurses. But there is only ONE YOU. No one can replace you in your husbands heart.
I would ask you to do me one small favor. There is a book out there called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" which I wish very much that you would read. Again, you may think that it is garbage, but I am asking you to read it once with an open mind. It will help you realize the unbelieveable power you have in this situation.
Best of luck to you Lisa.
R. M. French
