Is Your Husband Emotionally Unavailable? Signs, Impact & What to Do

Question
I believe my husband is emotionally unavailable. No matter how important is something to me, if he doesn't agree he won't do it. I can cry, be unhappy, explain him how important something is... even today I asked him to do a list of things I do that make him mad and suggest something for me to do to show I care (I even said that if he didn't have that list by noon I wouldn't prepare a meal for us to eat together). I asked this because he tends to keep silent about the things I do and explode when they accumulate. Guess what? He didn't do it. He said he had a lot of work to do. I really get discouraged. I'm planning to tell him this afternoon to do one of these... or he does the list, or he buys a plane ticket for me to leave. I am not sure that doing this is healthy, but I can't find any other way for him to work on the relationship. Besides, I've suffered so much this year together, that I am really willing to leave. What should I do? Is it ok to threat? And a question that has been burning me inside: is it possible that an emotionally unavailable person (son of an alcoholic) changes to be an emotionally healthy person? Do people change in this aspect?

Answer
Dear Edith,
It sounds like your husband is not willing to put much effort into the relationship. I cannot begin to speculate why. It could be that he doesn't know how to (i.e. child of alcoholic), that he doesn't think he should, that he is trying to avoid discussion about the relationship, or that he is just the silent type. Change won't happen unless he is interested in change or you drastically change your approach to the relationship.
He sounds impossible to please, and you seem to be working yourself into a frenzy to figure out what will make him happy and less angry at you. Focus instead on what would make you happy. You are not going to get him to change by threatening him. It just doesn't work in the long run. Begin to follow through on some dreams and interests of yours, in a way that has nothing to do with him. Start your own life as if he weren't in it. I don't know if this will make him change, but at least you'll be happy.
Respectfully,
Dr. Jill Morris