QuestionI have been married four year and we have three children but that is it. He treats me like I am nothing. Most of the time I just get ignored but around other people it as if I am not there at all unless I say something bad to his family who treats me like dirt them I get yelled at. I can say things and nothing. He never says or does nice things. Never makes time for me or when he does if somebody calls he just leaves. I just want to feel special. I do not even think he loves me. He never helps me not with the kids or the housework. I feel unsupported and unloved. If we were not married with kids I would have left long ago. I have given up everything for him. What do I do? I am so unhappy I cry all the time.
AnswerDear Cristin,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
Cristin, you have had three children in FOUR years? When have you had time to build a relationship with your husband? Do you think that being married requires no work and just "happens" with no effort? I think I see what the problem is.
First of all, you are not a wife. You are a mother. There is a big difference in the eyes of a man. Your husband wants a WIFE. You have been a mother for FOUR years and he is feeling neglected. You are very fortunate that he has not had an affair to satisfy his emotional needs for companionship.
In order to have a happy marriage you must make your mind up to be a wife first and a mother second. This is very difficult for many women to do.
You say in your letter that "he never takes time for me". I wonder what you mean by that. I would say that there have probably been many times when he wanted to make time for you in the form of making love at night (after the children are in bed) or in the morning. Most likely Cristin, you have complained of being tired from caring for the children all day and rebuffed his desire for sex. You claim that you want him to make time for you and then do not accept these efforts when they happen. And what is the excuse you use? Children.
Secondly, when was the last time you had an adult conversation about anything that did not have to do with chidren? When was the last time that you had an adult conversation with your husband that was not interrupted by a child, or two children fighting or a child crying for attention?
When was the last time you discussed with your husband what his dreams and goals are in life. Things that make him happy? Can you recall the way you and he talked together before you were married? About life, politics, the future, etc. When was the last time you had any type of conversation such as this?
Cristin, you have forgotten how to be a wife and your husband is not happy about this. Because of this, he does not feel inspired to treat you the way that you desire.
Please do NOT tell me that you expect him to help you with the children and housework. This is not his job. Shame on any woman who tries to make a man into a housewife! A man is a provider and a protector - NOT a diaper changer. Do not insult him by expecting him to pretend to be a woman! No wonder he is behaving badly toward you. He is hurt and insulted. Not only are you NOT his wife, but now you try to make him a woman too!
Cristin, it is time for you to start treating him like a king. It is time to start making him his favorite dinners and showing him that you love and care for him MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. It is time for you to put your children second and make him first. That is what EVERY MAN NEEDS. TO be first in his wife's eyes. Not second or third or fourth.
If you want to save this marriage and have a strong, loving relationship with your husband you have to start treating him with honor and respect and take the time to be the WIFE that he needs you to be. Once you begin to treat him well, you will see an unbelievable difference in the way that he treats YOU.
Best of luck to you.
R. M. French
