QuestionHey. I really need some advice. Please try not to judge me, I know this is a horrible situation, and I already feel so terrible. I feel like Im in such a mess and I don't know how to get out of it, without completely ruining my life. Well first off, I am married, have been for about a year now. Sometimes I wonder why I ever got married. My husband really is wonderful. He takes care of me so good, and he's a great person. Im so lucky to have him. but the thing is I take him for granted. Im still sorta involved with my ex. We were high school sweet hearts and I really loved him. My ex and I have been involved for a total of about six years or so. We dated for the first two year, and we've been having an affair for about the last four. I don't know why but we can never just call it quits between us. We always seem to come back to eachother. He's dated other people through the years, I've dated others, and now Im married. and we just hook up occasionally. I think I still love him, why else would I keep cheating and sleeping with him. but the thing is me and him are so wrong for eachother, so it probably would never work out even if we wanted it to. We are so different, but we still have this huge attraction to eachother. I do love my husband, but sometimes I think that I don't love him like I should. I think of him more like my best friend, I don't know what I want sometimes. Im so confused. and also now to add more problems to my situation, I just had a baby not too long ago, and i don't know who the father is. It could be either or. me and my ex were planning to do a paternity test on our own to find out. Babies blood type does match my ex's though, so that scares me. I can't tell my husband, he would never forgive me, and he would divorce me. but what if it turns out to be my ex's, how could I just hide the truth from him forever, thats what my ex wants to do he said. Thats wrong though. I mean I don't want to tell my husband either but thats a big lie to hide. I've made so many mistakes in my life, and Im a horrible wife, and I don't want to be this person anymore, but I've dug myself a very deep hole. Sorry, this was so long. I just need some help so bad. What do you think I should do about the baby, and also the situation with my husband and my ex. Thanks
AnswerHi Kelly~
This is what I suggest you do.
1--You must come clean to your husband of what you've been doing, and I mean everything. He has the right to know what's been going on and that the baby might not be his after all. It's time that you be held accountable for your bad actions and poor choices in life. I'm in no way judging you either, as that's not my place. We all make mistakes in life, it's all about rectifying what you've done and making things right. And learning from the mistakes so that you don't do this again. Remove temptation from your life by not having contact with your ex if that's what you have to do.
2--Get a paternity test done to figure out who the father of your baby is. If it is your ex, then you will have to remain in contact with him. And you need to set up visitation with the child, come up with a plan on co-parenting this baby b/c the baby is the innocent one here and has the right to know who his/her father is. And for the father to be involved in the baby's life. Just b/c you parent with him (if the ex is indeed the father) doesn't mean you have to sleep with him or have any type of on going relationship with him. It's probably better if you don't and you just remain on a friendly basis with him and nothing more, absolutely no sex (that will just complicate the situation further). I know it'll be tough, but you can do it if you put your mind to it and if you have the determination to do so.
3--Whatever becomes of this unfortunate situation you have to keep in mind that you don't deserve to keep being hard on yourself. You can fix this and make it better, it doesn't have to continue to be this way. Meaning you do not have to continue to see or sleep with your ex under any circumstances. Life is all about choices and you have the ability to make good or bad choices in life. The only person that controls you is yourself. No one can make you do something that you do not want to do. You have to start loving yourself and saying you are worthy of being treated better and not be used as a sex object by this ex. You'll have to learn to grow your self-esteem, your self-worth and most importantly your spirit.
Just b/c you cheated that doesn't make you a horrible person, the actions are not good at all. It doesn't have to be this way any more. It's never too late to make a change for the better. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. It all starts with love and respect for yourself and to know that you're better than to fall for the charm and sweet talking of your ex. You deserve way better than he's currently providing you with (sex and a connection together isn't enough reason to be with someone).
You have to face the music and tell your husband everything. If he ends up getting very angry at you and wants a divorce, then that's what you have to deal with. You have to hope for the best, but prepare for the worse case scenario which is your husband is going to be very hurt, angry, betrayed, shocked, etc. It'll likely go one of two ways. A) He'll be angry but eventually forgive you and try to work the marriage out. Or B) He can't live with all this and he'll want a divorce and you'll have to move on with your respective lives. Offer to go to counseling for this. If the marriage doesn't work out, go to individual counseling to help you deal with all this. Do it for you to make you a better person and for the sake of your child, so that you don't fall back into this pattern of cheating with your ex, etc. You can change if you want to, it's not going to be easy, but you can do it with some sheer determination. Hope this helps you some. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask and I'll help you to the best of my ability.
