QuestionHi,
about 6 weeks ago my wife told me she was seeing someone else and asked for a seperation. Our relationship has been going downhill for sometime, main reason really is we stopped communicating with one another and we have both ignored it until now. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 wonderful children . At the moment she says she doesnt know want she wants but says she doesnt love me anymore . The children know something is wrong and keep asking me why mummy has moved out and i dont know what to say to them. At the beginning of this week she said she thought she would try , the next day she changed her mind and said it was over then today she says she doesnt know again. She has made a appointment with a Marriage counseller to as she says grieve for the end of our marriage. I got upset about that and we had a blazing row and things were said. I said she was been selfish and was not thinking of the children . The next day the arguement continued, I asked her to file for divorce because she already made her mind up ,She said no and then told me that she was going to the marriage counseller to find out if it was worth trying . I just so confused .She hasnt really told me why she is feeling like she is ,all she says is that she has strong feelings for the person she has been seeing. I would like to try for the sake of our children and if it doesnt work , at least we can say to them in the future that we did try but it wasnt to be. Is that so wrong to do ? We both have faults and i know i need to change for this to work , maybe i will change maybe i wont but for my childrens sake i want to . Can you give me any advice . I dont want us to stay together for the children but is it it right for us to try and work things out for the sake of the children or not try at all?
AnswerHi Richard~
I'm a firm believer in never staying together for the sake of the children. In the end it just doesn't work out, and children can even come to resent the fact that you stayed together just for them. I will say though that if you want to work it out and try to make the marriage work b/c you truly love each other, then yes, that's a totally different situation. Does that make any sense? One should never stay together solely for the sake of the children, b/c the while the intentions may be good, it's really not the right thing to do. If you want to stay together as a couple and are willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, then that's a good thing. But just be aware that doesn't necessarily always work either.
I tend to agree with both you and your wife. I think your wife is totally right, that at this point it's necessary to separate right now. She's honestly not sure what she wants at this moment in time (not unusual to be confused and not know what she wants). And by going through the separation process she can decide what she wants to do and if she indeed wants to be committed to you and the marriage. She'll either decide to stay with you and work these issues out, or worse case scenario is that she'll make up her mind to leave you. And with counseling for her, she can also make a good decision to either stay or leave. She needs to figure out what she truly wants.
And although you do not agree with this decision, you should try to be as supportive of her as you can. I know it's not easy to go through a separation and even possible divorce in the future. It sucks when something like this happens, and it's often confusing to both parties involved. Separation and divorce affects everyone involved, including the children. It can also be a slow and painful process.
This is what I would advise you to do (the choice is yours, ultimately if you want to follow it or not)--at this time give her her space. During this time take some time to yourself and decide if you're really willing to commit to working on and fixing this marriage. Whatever her decision is you should respect it. That doesn't mean you have to agree or like her decision. You should agree to go to marriage counseling with her (I know most men don't like to do this). Your marriage could be riding on this, meaning that if you refuse to go to counseling with her, then the marriage could end up failing anyway. Counseling can be a tremendous help. And you can walk away knowing you did everything within your power to try and it just didn't work out in the end. Also with the counseling (you can go to individual if you wish) you can work on improving yourself.
As for the children and what you should tell them. Just be open and honest with them w/o going into great detail, about the situation and separation, etc. Tell them that you and their mother decided that it was best that you took a little bit of a break from each other to figure out what you want. And that you just can't be together right now. Make sure (if they are young) that you tell them it was nothing they said or did to make the separation come about (some children will carry guilt due to this). But that both you and your wife still love them all unconditionally. Also don't talk bad or negative about your wife around them. It could actually make the situation that much worse and you don't want to do that. Rather be civil to each other when you have to be around one another. Try to keep life for the children as normal as possible.
So to wrap up my answer, you should do everything within your power to make the marriage work, whatever it takes, counseling, separation period, etc. And then when you've done all you can do and you can do no more, then it's time to call it quits. If/When that time comes you will just know it in your heart of hearts. But at this point all you can do is take life one day at a time and try to work stuff out with her. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
