QuestionI have been married 5 times and am 45 years old. Recently, I learned that my husband had been cheating on me. He is not the first to cheat on me; 4 of the 5 have also cheated. I am starting to wonder if I am doing something to drive my husband into the arms and bed of another.
I love my current husband; but, just can't bring myself to forgive him. It looks like divorce is in the future again.
Can you give me some insight as to why this is happening?
AnswerDear Robin,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
This is a very interesting question, but I am afraid you have me at a huge disadvantage. I really don't know very much about you or your husband or your relationship(s). Without some additional information it is nearly impossible to give you an accurate assessment of the situation and any reasonable advice.
That having been said, I'll take my best shot.
There are one of two reasons that your relationships end as they do. Either (1) you are marrying the wrong men - for the wrong reasons, or (2) indeed, you are doing something to drive them into the arms and beds of another.
If #1 is the case, you really must stop and look at who you are marrying and why. Do you have a tendancy to marry the "wrong kind of guy"? Lots and lots of women do. There are men out there who simply cannot be faithful. They just don't have it in them. They need all the love they can get and from as many people (sometimes at the same time) as they can get it from. Some men do not value being faithful. They have no concept of it.
If this situation is the case, you have to ask yourself why you are marrying these kinds of guys. Do you have a poor self image and feel that you can't get a "good, faithful man"? or are you conned into it by flattery and other insincere behavior? Do you think they will change and look the other way?
Now, let's consider that you are marrying good guys. Then it looks like #2 might be the case.
These days it seems to be very difficult for women to have a good marriage. At least the number of letters I get would indicate this. Strangely, though, MOST men (not all men, mind you - just most men), are extremely easy to keep happy.
Most men are content if you keep them well fed, a clean house and plenty of sex on demand. There are other issues too which affect a man's interest and whether or not he decides to roam. Such things might be as simple as his wife's attitude toward him or whether she takes care of herself and works to maintain physical attractiveness.
I find that many women marry a man and then try to change him afterwards. Qualities that they tolerated when they dated now become intolerable. They often expect the man to do a 90 degree turn as to behavior, appearance, etc., to often include dumping his before-marriage friends. This is a big mistake because it will only harbor resentment and hard feelings.
Quite often I find that when a man is unfaithful it is because he "gets something" from the new woman (and not necessarily sex), that he does not get any more from his wife. Most usually this is an attentive ear, a non-critical attitude and a willingness to listen to what the man has to say. Often she tells him how wonderful, smart, sexy, and interesting he is. Men love this kind of thing. Any smart woman can snag a man (especially a married man), by giving him this kind of super attention and making him feel like a hero. For some strange reason, wives have forgotten how to do this.
I can recommend to you two very good books. If your problem is the wrong guy for the wrong reason (#1). Then I recommend "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives" and if your situation is more like #2 then I suggest "The care and feeding of husbands". Both of these books are by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and they are wonderful.
If you would like to contact me again and give me some additional information that might be able to help me sort this out better, please do so. I would very much like to be able to give you the best advice I can, and like I said earlier in this letter, I am just guessing, really, at this point.
Hope things work out for you. Please let me know if I can help further.
R. M. French
