Navigating Parenthood with HIV: A Story of Resilience and Hope

Question
I met my husband online.  We both said that we wanted to have children and that we wanted to leave a "normal life".  What is so hard about that - We are both HIV+.  I have been living with this illness (it feels more like an annoyance then and illness) since I was 19.  I am now 36.  Since my diagnosis I have continued my education-I have 2 Masters degree that I am very proud of - I have traveled the world and I have lost depression weight of more than150 pounds.  I have not let anyone define for me what it means to live with this disease.  I have done that for myself- I have struggled hard to enjoy my life in the face of adversity and want someone that desires the same.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years.  He is not ready to build a life together that includes children or family.  Although when we got married it was what he said he wanted also.  We both are very healthy and take extremely good care of ourselves.  My doctors have giving me the green light health wise and have even push forward do to my increasing age.  The only thing holding back starting the family is my husband.  He keeps saying he is not ready.  He does not say when he will be ready or what is preventing him from being ready just that he is not.  I am scared!  I can not move on and I will not stand still!
I love my husband he is a beautiful man.  He is not very giving emotionally but my hope is that he will change.  I am scared to move on and try - but I am even more scared to stay were I am.  I have never been ashamed of myself for acquiring this illness I know disease is not a respecter of persons- but fear and shame must be keeping me in this stagnate relationship.   I know that I have too much to give and just as much more to be given.  Where do I find the strength from to fight on?


Answer
Hi Isa,

Thanks for writing. In answer to your question, I guess you find the strength from the same place you find the will to not let HIV define who you are. You are a survivor and a fighter -- where is that part of yourself in regards to your marriage? With that said, I still, I think if a spouse misleads his wife about what he wants within marriage, especially on an important issue such as having children, we earn the right to back out of the marriage. Only you can decide if what he is reneging on is a deal-killer. If I were you, I might consider giving a time limit ... then either decide to accept the situation, or not.

I hope this helps -- good luck!

Doctor Becky