QuestionI'm 30, my husband's 32, and recently he's been spending all his free time with a close male friend called Jeremy. He barely spends any time with me, and if he does, it's like he's pining for Jeremy, wanting to be with him again. He seems on edge and irritable if not with him.
I've asked him if I can meet him, saying if he's such a close friend why can't we meet, but he evaded the question.
When I checked our email, I was surprised to see pictures of Jeremy in his underwear addressed to my husband. I know what he looks like now, but not the way I expected it to be.
I asked my husband what's going on, but he refused to discuss it any further. I acted calmly, neutrally and non-judgmentally, but he refused to talk any further. Isn't this suspicious behaviour?
However, he insisted he wasn't gay or bisexual, he said the photos were " a bit of fun" and a private in-joke between them.
The next week I spoke to my close friend about it, and she said she suspected Jeremy might be gay due to the underwear photos, but otherwise couldn't explain my husband's behavior.
Now I find out my husband's booked a 2-week holiday to Spain with Jeremy, which has made me furious.
I need help and support on this, the situation is causing me untold stress.
AnswerHi Dawn~
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it's a duck. If his behavior is odd and unexplainable and you're beginning to think he's gay, then trust your gut instincts. Gut instincts are there for a reason and that's to tell us when something's either not right or when feels right. So always trust it, it will never steer your wrong. It's trying to tell you something's not right with your husband. The proof is in the pudding so to speak. Everything points to the obvious and that he's gay, although he's not willing to admit to it yet. My brother for the longest time refused to admit he was gay, we already really knew and had suspected it for years (since he was a teenager), but no one said anything to him or pushed the issue with him. He came out to us a few years back, although he still calls his boyfriend his roommate, when clearly it's otherwise. It's not an easy topic for someone to talk about or even admit too. Maybe he's embarrassed or ashamed of it, it's hard to say.
Yes, his behavior is suspicious and would be upsetting, unnerving and very disturbing to anyone in your current situation. This isn't something that's very easy to go through or to try and figure out for all involved. Perhaps your friend didn't want to jump to conclusions or hurt your feelings by suggesting that he might be gay, she didn't want to offend you, I'm sure she had good reason not to say anything more than what she did for whatever her own personal reasons were at the time.
The 2 weeks vacation is the icing on the cake! I'm sure that's sent you over the edge on this whole issue too. You just need to come out and say to him that you suspect he's gay and you know it's a taboo and a very sensitive subject for most people to talk about. However, as his wife you have a right to know these things, whether he wants to admit to it or not. He's insulting your intelligence to deny he's gay given his strange and erratic behavior, etc. You will not stand being lied to and insulted by him. It's taking too much of a toll on you and you deserve to know the honest truth behind exactly what's going on and why he's being this way. You can deal with it now rather than later, so that you put it behind you. He might not want you to know about his sexual preference, the world, his family, etc due to embarrassment, people not accepting that he's gay or whatever the issue is. He can't keep denying it and running from the truth.
IF he is gay, then you need to decide what you're going to do about all of this. Something has to be done sooner rather than later or it's only going to get that much worse as time goes on. You have some very tough decisions to make in the future. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
