QuestionHi there, my husband has always been an angry individual and for the past couple of years he has treated me with such resentment it scares me. Worse than ever before in our 30-year marriage. He can turn on me so quickly and he often looks at me like he hates me. I am at my wit's end as to what to do next. I've tried to change myself to please him but nothing I do is good enough. He would rather take a stranger's side than mine. I feel like I am an afterthought to him and when I ask him if he loves me, he says he is remaining neutral on that topic. I am not sure what this means and when I try to talk to him he gets more and more angry with me and looks at me as if he would like to hit me. Some of the things he has said to me hurt so much and never once has he ever apologized for hurting me. I guess a part of me knows that I should leave and when I did a short time ago, he did not try to stop me, instead he threw my bags of clothes onto the lawn and said some horrible things. When I did come back he lectured me and yelled at me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was to blame for everything. I guess I already know what I should do, but it sure feels good telling someone about it. Thank you so much for your time. Sincerely, Joanne
AnswerDear Joanne,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I must say that it sounds to me like you and your husband have a shocking lack of communication. Surely, you have some idea why he is so angry. You cannot tell me that, after living with a man for 30 years that this attitude of his has suddenly "appeared out of the blue" and you have absolutely no idea why. If you tell me that then either you are lying or are in denial about the situation.
There is a great deal of anger and resentment which has built up slowly over a period of time and your husband has finally gotten to the point where he is "mad as hell, and not going to put up with it any more". Believe me, there is much more to this than what you are telling me. Let's pretend for a minute that HE was writing me a letter. What would he say? Would he say that for the entire period of time that you were raising a family together he was treated like a second class citizen by you? Would he say that you were cold and distant and not "that" interested in sex? Would he say that you expected the finest home, clothes, education for "your" children and expected him to work long, hard hours to provide it? Would he say that you spent more time with your friends than you did with him? Would he say that you appreciated him and loved him and cared for him during the past 30 years, or would he say that you had pretty much lived your own lives and that you were fine with it?
You mention that you have tried to "change" yourself to please him. How would he want you to change? What does he perceive about you that needs changing? My guess is that trying to change now is like putting a bandage on a serious injury. Too little too late. The damage has been done - for more than 30 years it sounds like. If you want to save this marriage (if it even can be saved at this point), you are going to have start communicating.
If you would like to write back to me with the "rest of the story", please feel free to do so, but without the rest of the information, I can't really give you an accurate assessment and recommendations.
Best of luck.
R. M. French
