QuestionMy husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years. He hasn't been in love with me for the last 2 of those years. Last summer I had a very brief affair, which I continue to regret to this day. I told my husband this past January. He says he's not leaving, but I don't know if it is because he loves me or just because we have a 20 month old daughter. He acts like he doesn't really care about anything, especially me. He goes through cycles where at the end of the month he just withdraws and pulls away. When that cycle is over, he acts like he loves me and is very affectionate. But then it starts all over. I love him so much and I have no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be together, but I just don't know how to handle this. He doesn't know why he stopped loving me in the first place, so I don't know how to fix that. I don't know what to do anymore. He won't go see a counselor, and he makes no effort to improve our relationship.
AnswerHi Michelle,
I really feel for you as you go through this roller coaster with your husband. I can only imagine how distressing it is to you.
If I was in your situation I would insist that he get a physical check up to rule out any physiological causes for his behavior. If he checks out OK, then we can know that what is going on is psychological. It could be that he is just going through normal switching back-and-forth between wanting to be with people and wanting to be alone, or he could have a mental disorder such as depression ... you really need a mental healthy profession to do an assessment and dig in to find out what's going on.
What really concerns me is that he says he doesn't love you anymore -- what does he mean by that? Does he know what love is? Some people confuse love for feelings of infatuation ... we all lose the infatuation feelings eventually, and then you have the chance to really love someone by making the decision to be there and do loving and supportive things for that person, no matter what.
He really, really needs to see a therapist. My guess is he is not being true to himself in some way, shape, or form. For example, when a person really wants to live in the country but lives in New York City, he is not being true to himself. We can look at all the different areas in our life -- education, lifestyle, relationship, family, career, and on and on, and we can be out of sync. If we are, then we will get depressed ... and very few people have the maturity to express their real truth about what they want and need. So my other guess is that your husband is too fearful to tell you what is really and truly bugging him. A good couple's therapist can show you both how to talk to each other and be honest and make it safe to do so.
If your husband won't go to counseling, YOU go. You will be astounded at how much it will help. When he sees the positive changes in you, it may cause him to want to go. Down the line, if he refuses to get help or change, you will have important decisions to make. And, of course, one of the options you have is to accept things the way they are -- can you do that and be happy?
I wish you the best, my dear. I hope this information is helpful.
Doctor Becky
