QuestionI am 43 been married and divorced. She is 26 has 2 twin 8 yr old boys. (the boys are not the issue) We lived together for 3 years and broke it off due to arguments and jealousy issues on her part. She is very argumentative. English is her second language. She is from Sinaloa Mexico. She is a latina who to me is the hottest woman on earth. She has jealousy issues, and trust issues that arn't normal or justified. She wanted to marry me and I hesitated. When I hesitated she got mean. The mean got worse to a point where we broke up. Now I'm miserable and she still wants me to marry her. The ultimatum is there. She's promised all kinds of positives if we are married. (yeah right is what I think) My hesitation is I'm afraid of her temper and her jealousy. But I love her and think she is the hottest most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I don't want to loose her. If I don't marry her she's leaving for good. Please help me. Should I marry her?
AnswerDear Jim,
Jealousy is often a tough issue to deal with and usually has to do with an insecurity of some sort. I'm sure she is ready to be married and wants to proceed with her life, although she must understand that she will push any man away when her behavior is not rational. This is also a very common trait for her nationality. I know that you love and do not want to lose her, but is your relationship truly healthy? When two people are truly right for one another, there is a "too good to be true" feeling. There will be arguments here and there, but mostly it feels completely right. It sounds as if she wants to marry you and still get away with treating you this way. After years of marriage, if her behavior does not stop, then you are the one who will be miserable. If I were you, I would be firm, tell her that you will be glad to get married to her once she completely stops her jealousy, rage and temper. Give a deadline, such as 6 months, for your relationship to prosper in a healthy manner. At the end of the 6 months, if she has stopped this behavior, then marry her and if not, then it is her that has failed to keep the relationship strong. During these 6 months, give her nothing to be jealous about. Tell her that you love her a great deal and will be there for support by calmly opening up her feelings in a composed, compassionate way and you expect the same from her. Be completely open and when she bubbles up, let her know what she is doing without raising your voice, if you dont already. Be emotionless and talk to her to get to the core of her worries. Be a model for her in showing her how to argue. She most likely will learn from you, eventually, on how to handle an argument. Many couples will learn from the other more and more as the years go by. Also try reading together the book by Gary Smalley, "Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage".
Good luck and write back if you need!
Kiya Sakaris, C.P.C.C.
