QuestionQUESTION: Hi Samantha,
I have a very important question for you.
I am 28 yr old male never married or never was in relationship. I am very stable and successful person though. I am from east india and do have some cultural influences but now that i am in america since last 5 yrs and will always be, things are different.
I am physician .
I have thought a lot about my decision about marriage.
I am almost concluding that marriage is not for me. I agree that I do have trouble maintaining relationships though I never had one seriously. I appreciate beauty of women a lot and I know that I will have a lot of women in my life. I just dont want to screw up my marriage because i cant give my full love to who ever it will be..But if i do get married, I will however try to be as honest and loving to my wife.. But that will be only considered my duty and I dont know how much will I actually like it.Not to mention divorce is not in my dictionary.
I also hate responsibility that comes with marriage. I also dont like to have children.. I love them but thats again a lot of responsibility. Also after marriage, I will have to make any decisions considering the whole family. I think its like losing my freedom.
I havent told my feelings to anybody so far because they will think I am crazy..
I am asking you this question because I am confused myself. Because i am already 28,, I have to make a decision in next few months if i do want to get married.
I like being lonely and enjoy it.. Not sure if this is healthy though.. As you know my profession involves meeting lot of people and having good communication and conversation skills, I do those but as a part of my duty.. My personal life is lot different.
I dont want to regret later in my life because of the decision that I will be taking now.. I do know that this is the right time to make a decision.. I know that marriage with kids brings a lot of satisfaction, stability and happyiness for everybody else.. Not sure of me.. I do feel lonely sometimes though.
Is this normal? Do you think my feelings and decisions will change in later part of the life? I have had debate with lot of people about these but all of them have been married and hence I get skewed answers.
ANSWER: Hi Rick~
I think you need to do what's right for you and what makes you happy. You're the one that has to live your life not anyone else. You have to be okay and satisfied with the idea and/or decision to not marry or to have children. It's really a personal decision for each and every individual in life. I admire ppl that can decide and stick to a "no children" decision for themselves. Not everyone it cut out to be a parent and/or married in life. It's just something that has to come from ones heart and be the best decision for them, not anyone else. Everyone has an opinion on something. It shouldn't make you feel bad or guilty for your choice to not want to marry or have children. Just make sure it's something you're sure you can live with for the rest of your life. I personally could never do this b/c I want to have a legacy and children to share my life with, to grow old and spend my time/life with. Family is very important to me. With that said I have 4 children, 3 from my first marriage and 1 with my current husband.
Marriage is a tough thing to do. It's definitely not easy, and parenting is also a great challenge in life, but I like challenges. The point here is that as long as your perfectly okay with not being married and not having a family that's for you to decide and no one else. I always tell clients that ask questions similar to yours: is don't marry and then figure out that your spouse wants children when he/she said they didn't at first. If one person wants a child and the other does, then that presents a huge problem indeed. Don't do something in life that you feel you'll regret (i.e-getting married, or having children), b/c you feel pressured to do it. Don't do things for all the wrong reasons, just to please someone. It will almost always end up back-firing in your face later in life. I tell my clients when they aren't sure what to do when it comes to certain decision making times in their lives, to listen to their gut instincts, after all they are there for a reason. And that's to tell you when something feels right or when it just doesn't, so always listen to it, it'll never steer you wrong.
But to answer your question. Yes, this is actually quite normal for some ppl to be confused and not know what they really want in life when it comes to marriage, not really wanting children, etc. If you meet the right woman, sure it could change your opinions on marriage and children. I'm a firm believer in that there is someone out there for everyone. For me marriage is special and it's a blessing to have someone that can relate to me and someone that I can spend my life with, go do things with, make him laugh, cry together, for him to be there for me when I need support, and the list goes on and on. Marriage has it's perks and just as with other relationships it has it's ups and downs too. As I said earlier marriage isn't for everyone, so if you ever do meet the right girl, make sure it feels right before you take the next step into marriage and then having children when/if that time should come. Never say never b/c, well, you never know what life may bring you.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask, and I'll try to answer them to the best of my ability.
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QUESTION: I certainly appreciate your input. I also agree to the fact that its individual decision and no one can decide what I want.. We can talk and talk for ever but it will ultimately come to one thing.. What do I want in life and what am I comfortable with..
I just need one more doubt to clear though..
How many people have you seen who are unmarried and regret later in life for not being married? How many actually tell you that it was the right decision to make.
Whats the chance that I will feel lonely and unsatisfied later in life at 60s when I have all the money, name and fame but die lonely and empty?
Not to mention I do feel lonely at times and get lost.. But again thats only a very small part of the year.. But for the rest of my time, I enjoy the freedom and be able to do whatever I want..
So far in life, i have not felt bored and I always am busy and do not even get time for myself.. And I have may be one or two friends with no relatives what so ever.
When ever I think about girls and marriage, I always feel thats its a trap and I dont find any women who truly love a guy.. I feel women first look for security, my profession as a doctor, My income, my stability and etc etc.. To some extent I think I have developed hatredness to them.. I am sorry that I am telling this to a women.. Please do understand from my perspective.
AnswerHi Rick~
I think you need to ponder and think long and hard why you feel this very way, meaning having developed a hatred towards women and thinking that they only are out for money, security, etc. What has made you come to this conclusion b/c not all women are this way. Albeit there are a lot of women and even men that think this way. While there's nothing wrong with wanting security, it's not right to marry or be with someone out of convince or obligation. And you'd honestly be surprised at how many ppl do just that and feel they have to settle in life like this.
I'm not upset or even offended in the least by anything that you've said. Your most certainly entitled to feel and think as you wish. But I think the question to ask yourself is why do you feel such hatred and disdain towards women in general and you want to lump all women into the category of them only looking and settling for being with someone that makes them feel secure and offers them a life of security, not that there is anything wrong with that (a person wanting stability and security in life, that's a good thing), but you a person should be with someone for the right reasons not all the wrong. They should first and foremost love the person they are with and want to spend their life with. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I do honestly know where you're coming from though on the aspect of you saying that women look for security in a man, there are some women out there that do use men for paychecks and a roof over their head and I'm not saying that's right, but that's how the world can be sometimes, and sometimes a person has to do what they have to do to survive in this world (again, not that I condone or agree with this).
Perhaps at best you have very skewed views of you've seen when it comes to women and men in relationships. Not all relationships are good and pure of heart, there are some ugly ones where a person uses another to get what they want by any means. Negativity begets negativity. And if you keep viewing women in this light, you'll never open yourself up to where you can actually fall in love and you'll always be guarded and not very trusting when it comes to relationships. I'm not sure why you feel this way, but it's something to think about, maybe it was some bad experiences in life that taught you to feel this way. I don't know, I'm only guessing here from all that you've told me so far.
But back to your prior questions. It's my person experience that I don't honestly recall anyone telling me that they've regretted never marrying or having children. And I get a lot of questions from all over the world. I'm just saying that the possibility is there though. That's the thing about life, is that you never know how one might feel or react to their actions in life. That remains to be seen. For ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction. And all actions have consequences good and bad. That's just something you'll have to be prepared to cope and deal with (meaning if you don't marry or have children), should that time ever come. I also don't really recall anyone saying it's the right decision for them. My point here is that to each their own. Even if I did recall those cases, that has no bearing on you. For your decisions you have to be held responsible for them. I can't compare you to any other person that chose not to marry or have children. That's something you have to decide and be secure in doing for yourself. No one else can make that decision but you. And I know I sound like a broken record but it's true. Why would you feel like you have to justify your choices to me or anyone else. Unless you care what others think about the choices you've made in your life. I personally do not care what others think about what I do in life and the choices I make. I'm the one that has to live with the choices I make in life along the way, no one has to answer for those decisions but me. And I'm okay with that.
What are the chances that you will feel lonely later in life? There's a 50-50 chance of that. It's a gamble that you have to be willing to take. You have to think and contemplate about what life will hold for you, there are no guarantees in life anyway. At some point in life you might get lonely, and then what? Where do you go from there? It's something to think about. Don't marry or have children out of fear of being lonely though. You should only have a relationship, get married and have children for the right reasons, b/c you want to, not b/c you feel obligated to, so that you won't be lonely later in life. I understand perfectly from your perspective, and this is why I'm throwing out my thoughts your way, by giving you something to think about beside the negative side of relationships, marriage, having children, etc. Life is full of experiences and life truly is what you make of it good or bad.
