QuestionQUESTION: Hello Doctor Becky,
we hv bn married for over 25 yrs now. 2 grownup daughters.wife is a housewife. relations with wife are not healthy. it is like on and off. we fight very frequently and every time there is a fight, communication totally stops. 9 out of 10 cases, its me who goes back to reconcile. she is short tempered and hates my family members and has not bn on good terms with them from the start. so anytime I talk about them - calling them over for dinner, helping them, socialising, she flares up and brings up all old nasty things. this puts me off totally. I sometimes react and break my head and things around. badly bruised and anguished, I go back to work. I want her relations to improve with my family but she wont listen. my job keeps me away from family and its only once or twice a month that I can go home. my wife is a diabetic also for the last 5-6 yrs. I love her and am concerned. I am also concerned that we are not setting good example for our children. she is sometimes harsh with them as well. almost everytime I go home there is argument on one or other thing and we stop talking. obviously, sex is very rare which frustrates me further.please help.
tks n rgds
ANSWER: Hi Yogesh,
I am sorry for your distress. There are all sorts of things that could be causing your wife's issues, but at the very minimum I would say she is suffering from an untreated depression, and possibly even a personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). You should read about BPD on the internet to see if she is a fit for this -- try www.bpdcentral.com. If she does have BPD it is not"fixable" or "curable." It IS manageable. The important thing will be for you to learn how to deal with her ... there are ways to do it, and ways not to do it. Educate yourself and find out what is the best course of action for yourself. One in 10 women has BPD so it would not surprise me if this is what is going on.
Check it out, and if it is not BPD write me back and we'll talk some more. I hope this helps.
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QUESTION: Thanks Doctor,for your kind advice, specially about BPD. I have checked the site and find that many symptoms matching. I will keep myself updated on BPD. But what I would like to be guided on is how to move further now. It has been a week and neither me nor she called. I also want to know why BPD happens. Is it something to do with one's upbringing. My wife lost her mother many years ago. Her mother was in a mentally disturbed state for quite some time. Post-teenage my wife was looked afer by her father. Almost every fortnight I feel humiliated and helpless. Should I go to her everytime, even if it means hurting my ego.
regards
Y
ANSWER: Hi Y,
BPD is both genetically and environmentally caused. I really believe the genetic piece to be very influential, so it is likely that her mother had this, too.
As far as your ego goes, bury that for good!! You don't need to lose your marriage over pride. The important thing with BPD is to have solid boundaries. Tell her what you will and will not do and stick to it. If she threatens to leave, etc., call her bluff and let her leave. Don't let her control you with threats EVER.
It is impossible to happily married to a BPD. If I were you, I would consider ending the marriage. If you don't you will have a turmoil-filled life, indeed.
Good luck!!
Doctor Becky
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QUESTION: thanks Doctor,
does counselling help? though am not sure if she will agree to go for it. what is environment caused bpd? can I/we do something to improve at least this part? I am ready to bury my ego, as have been done so far. after over 25 years I dont want to end my marriage. as I mentioned I really care for her and certainly dont want her to end up having any issue like her mother. that will be very difficult to handle for me and my children. I cant even imagine that. perhaps I only want her to realise what she does and try to reconcile. does a BPD know what he/she does ? I want to live peacefully and happily with her, see my kids happily settled and all living as a happy family. in fact I want that we both together act as resposible, loving and caring parents and humans.
regards
Y
AnswerHi Y,
The reason I told you to go to the web site www.bpdcentral.com is so you could get all of your questions answered. I am not able to answer every question that you have. There are many books on the subject as well -- all are listed on the web site.
Briefly, and finally, by environmental I mean that a person can be born with traits, or attain traits through her life experience or environment. BPD can be caused by either or both. Counseling might help, but only if your wife is willing to recognize it and work hard to manage it. It is not curable. BPD's often forget what they do ... also, they feel very justified in what they do.
That's it ... you need now to do your own research on this subject. I wish you the best of luck.
Doctor Becky
