QuestionWe spoke last night about how I was feeling. He said that he didn't lie to me. He didn't think the money was a big deal. He said that I get so upset about the situation whenever he brings it up that it's better for him to just keep quiet. He said that he's trying to give this young woman a chance at a better life and anytime he discusses her it feels like I'm throwing cold water in his face. He said I don't see the triumphs or appreciate what he's doing. We have had several arguements about how I feel it's important to be kept in the loop, but he doesn't seem to care. He said he would "try" to remember to tell me when he sends gifts/money, but he wants me to show some enthusiam toward her and what he's doing for her.
It's hard for me to be enthusiastic because I also think she is using him as her mother did for all those years. I never want him to have to chose between me or her, but I'm afraid if he can't change and include me in the decisions that it's headed that way.
I have suggested marriage conseling before and he says he's up for it. We'll see.
Do you think his reaction to our conversation last night was rational? How can I learn to be enthusiastic about this situation? Any other advice would be greatly appreciated!
There is one other things that adds to the current situation: My husband is in the Air Force and is serving for a year in Iraq. This conversation and situation is having to be dealt with via e-mail and phone. I really hate that we can't sit down to discuss it, but in the past it really hasn't changed anything.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...
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When I met my husband 10 years ago he was still in contact with his ex-fiancee so that he could remain active in her daughter's life. When they broke up he promised to raise her (then 1 year old) as his own daughter (I have been told that he is definitely not her biological father). Over the years, he has sent money for school clothes, birthday and Christmas presents, and visits at least once a year. Now, the young woman is 17 years old. My husband is secretly sending money ($350 for her sweet 16 birthday party), money to repair her truck (shocks and a new windshield), and money to fly her to visit her Grandmother. When I discover these payments, I ask him about them and he makes up excuses or lies about them. I found pictures on the computer of the shocks and windshield and asked my husband what they were for. He told me they were for a slideshow he was working on. This is a lie because they are actually Christmas presents that he has promised her. I discovered this by accessing his MySpace account which is how he keeps in touch with her. He always makes the initial contact and to my knowledge she does not e-mail or call. I have asked him to discuss money or gifts before he sends them to her. I don't know the technical terms, but I feel like he's having a sort of emotional affair with her because of the way he does things without my knowing. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing because "I promised to raise her as my own daughter". When he visits her he spends a lot of money on her and her friends. He seems to lose all sense of control and common sense when he is around her. How can I get past these feelings of betrayal? I love him, but he really hurts me when I find out he is giving her gifts behind my back and is in contact with her without my knowledge. He always leaves the room when he calls and doesn't always tell me that he has spoken with her.
What do we need to do when I feel so hurt and he doesn't see the problem?
Thank you!
Christine
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Hi Christine~
He probably doesn't see this, but she's only using him b/c he gives her gifts and money. He's trying to keep up with his promise of taking care of her, like his very own. Although he has no obligation to do so. Perhaps he does this out of guilt b/c the relationship with the ex-fiancee didn't work out.
Anyway, there's probably nothing you can say or do to make him change his mind about doing this. All you can do is tell him what you see from an outsiders point-of-view. Maybe in time, he'll finally realize that she's using him, or he's totally in denial about it.
It would be totally different if she recipricated his loves, talked to him on a regular basis, stayed in touch with him, visited, etc. But she doesn't, that's why I say she's totally eating this up and using him for his money and he's supporting her.
At this point, all you can do is to try and deal with this, and take it one day at a time. I really have no advice on what you should do. You're really in a touch position here.
I can only suggest marriage counseling, if he'll agree to it. You can bring up this issue, and try to resolve it.
AnswerHi Christine~
Oh, but you do have a right to know when/if he sends her gifts and money. He should automatically do this out of respect for you (letting you know about the money he sends).
I can totally respect his wishes for wanting to help her out and give her a better chance at life. After all he did make that promise to help support and take care of her. However, he isn't seeing the full spectrum of the matter. The real issue at hand is that the child doesn't appreciate him or what he does for her; for the simple fact that she's not in regular touch with him, doesn't bother to thank him for his time and gifts, money, etc. So she's using him and is very unappreciative. And yet he continues to do for her. Perhaps out of guilt or loyality.
The only thing that's not rational of him is he expects you to be enthusiastic?! How can he expect you to be enthusiatic and excited about something like this. In other words he's saying you should be excited that he's giving money and gifts to a child thats unappreciative and just flat out using him? How can you be excited or happy about that?! I can understand him wanting you to be supportive of him helping her out. It's just the point that he's not seeing she's taking advantage of his kindness to her. For some reason he's blind to that fact, and you can't make him see this. He's in denial here.
