Questionfor almost forty years ive struggled with insecurity and low self esteem ive seen a psy.. coun.priest, minister and read books nothing helps my whole life has been one big lie im a fraud all these years ive been wearing a false face. i just want the pain to stop
Answerfiona,
My heart goes out to you!
I am assuming that the cause of the pain is that you have been involved in abortion.
Please know that you are NOT alone. There are millions of women right where you are. We call it the silent grief, because it is something so many women cannot talk about, just as you cannot.
I came very close to being in the same position, and the consequences were horrible, so I have some personal knowledge of this as well. I almost had an abortion. For months afterwards, I had horrible nightmares. Many of us think it can't happen to us. I thought that. But it is easy to be coerced and deceived.
Personally, I only know of one way out. It is a spiritual answer, so I will be speaking of spiritual things.
First, please don't take any blame for any part of this that wasn't your fault. If you were coerced, you aren't to blame for that. If you were told a lie, you aren't to blame for that.
Do you know the story of how God came to earth to pay for our sins, including this one? He came as a man, Jesus. Jesus lived a perfect life on our behalf, so that God can look at us and see His righteousness. He then died on the cross and paid the penalty for our sin. The Bible tells us that the wages of sin is death. It goes on to say, the gift of God is eternal life, through Jesus. He took our punishment.
Think of it as a little like a situation where a teenager breaks the grocery store window. He has no money. He can't pay to have it replaced. But the son of the grocery store owner comes and says, I will pay for the window. All you have to do is accept my gift. The teenager either accepts or rejects this offer. We are in the same position with respect to God. Jesus paid the penalty. If we accept, we can spend eternity with Him in heaven, and He will dry our tears. He also can and will bring healing to us in this life. Millions of women have experienced this healing, and so can you. You must ask God for forgiveness, and then you must trust His promise and forgive yourself. Forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a decision. It is the decision not to hold your past actions against yourself, in this case. You won't feel like doing it. This is obvious. You will have to tell God that you are not able to forgive yourself, and He needs to help you. Take your brokenness and give it to God. Take your sin and guilt and give it to God.
Please know that your baby is with Jesus. There is no more pain and suffering, and your baby has forgive you. You can meet your baby in heaven if you accept Jesus' gift. Your pain can come from several things. One is that you blame yourself for hurting your baby. Another is that you miss your baby, and the fact that you didn't get to be a mother to your baby. You will always remember your baby, but you can heal spiritually once you accept Jesus' forgiveness.
Let me explain how God is faithful. I will give you two examples. One is King David of Israel. He wanted Bathsheba, so he arranged for Bathsheba's husband to be put in the front lines in battle so he would be killed. Subsequently, David took Bathsheba for his wife and she bore him a son. But the son died. David tells us that he will go to be with his son (in heaven). What was God's response to all of this? Not only did He forgive David, but He called him a man after His own heart, and He arranged for David to be in the lineage of Jesus.
The second example is a man named Saul. He was going around killing Christians. He was there when the first recorded Christian martyr, Stephen, was stoned to death. Stephen asked God not to hold this sin against their charge (not to blame the killers). Jesus responded by appearing to Saul on his journey to Damascus, where he was going in order to kill more Christians. Jesus sent Saul to the home of one of the believers, where Saul received Christ. He became the Apostle Paul. I owe my faith to Paul because he preached to my ancestors.
Please know that there is only one God. Most of the people of the world know something of Him. It is in the memory of their people, and the information is passed down from the elders to the young people. God is made up of three Persons, perfectly united in substance and love. Christians call this teaching, the Trinity. Jesus is both true God and true man, the second Person of the Trinity. God is the Being Who created the universe out of nothing at all. Jesus was born because the Holy Spirit overshadowed His mother, Mary. Mary was a virgin. This was to demonstrate that Jesus is both God and man.
Since you went to a priest, he most likely told you that once you are baptized, you have to live a godly life, and that we do good works to shorten time in Purgatory. I can't know for sure he told you that, but that's what his church teaches. But think about this. When Jesus died on the cross, He said, "It is finished!" WHAT was finished? Our salvation! For anyone to tell you that you have to do something to complete your salvation is to call Jesus a liar, and commit blasphemy, because it is God's job to save you. One tiny sin alienates us from God, and each of us has already committed that sin many times over. And to say that God will make us suffer in Purgatory after Jesus has ALREADY paid for our sins in full would be like a father who wants to teach his son that the stove is hot by putting his son's hand on the hot burner. God doesn't want to exact revenge from you by making you suffer. God doesn't want you to suffer now. The devil will keep accusing you because he wants you, so he hopes you will not accept God's forgiveness. But the Bible tells us that if we resist the devil, he will flee from us. Call him on his lies. Your sin is already paid for. Don't let him deceive you any more.
I don't know what the minister told you, but there is a good chance that the minister doesn't understand salvation, because a lot of them don't. Did he tell you that Jesus died for your sins? Did you specifically tell him why you were there and receive assurance you are forgiven? Some pastors have told me they cannot tell people their sins are forgiven, but Jesus specifically told His disciples to do exactly that! He told them that whatsoever they remit (whatever sins they are willing to let God forgive), they are remitted (God forgives). In my church, the pastor tells us that based on our sincere repentance, he announces the grace of God to us, and by His command, he forgives us our sins, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Not to assure a person of God's forgiveness is cruel. Many ministers think you have to do good works, just like the priest does. The only difference is that they are more subtle about it. They don't talk about Purgatory. But if they are not teaching solid gospel to the repentant sinner, then they are not conveying God's grace and love to that sinner.
You are obviously full of remorse. You have repented. Assuming you are willing to accept Jesus' free gift of His death, which He already died for your abortion, God has forgiven you. Now it is upon you to forgive yourself, based on God's promises. He sees only Jesus' life and death, and He no longer sees your sins. You are washed white in the blood of the Lamb Who was slain.
Please turn this over to God. Tell God that you want to receive His forgiveness and salvation. You can only do this by the power of the Holy Spirit, but from what you are telling me, you already have Him, and He is speaking to you. There is no way you would be in such spiritual pain unless He has been working with you. I pray that He will speak to your heart in a way that will give you the peace you seek.
Having done this, you will undoubtedly need to work on forgiving yourself and being assured of God's forgiveness. You may want to avail yourself of an opportunity specifically for you. You can find one near you by going here:
http://pregnancycenters.org/
This is a listing of local centers that provide, among other things, programs to help women such as you through all the guilt and pain to a place of spiritual and emotional peace. These are usually run by abortion-experienced women who have healed spiritually and emotionally. I think you will find this very helpful. Also, you may want to visit this web site:
http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/
I will be here any time you need to talk. I love you because Jesus first loved me. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord lift His countenance upon you and give you peace. Amen.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.
