QuestionHi Debbie
thanks for your response, it is a great help.but I have one question
when you say that" when you love someone , you should accept the person as they are, " does that mean that I should accept his parents as they are as I love him, but if I am not able to accept their behavior, does that mean I do not love him? I am kind of confused on that.
in love, you can accept the habits, but when you are not much respected in relation, should you still think that " as I love him, so I should accept him as he is or his family is treating you verbally".
other thing is that despite of the facts that he has his responsibility, he cannot deny that, and I cannot go in that structure, how to get over it?
again, I greatly appreciate your responses so far!
thanks
:)
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Followup To
Question -
Hi Debbie
I talked to couple of my guys friends who belongs to same background.
It was surprising to know that alot of guys think that if their parents ask them that they want to stay with the guy, they cannot say no,and you just have to deal with it. the person I was dating, he says that I should have just accepted it and he would have done soemthing if things do not go well.
But problem is that now he apologized and says that he understands where I was coming from, and he is ready to talk to his parents. But I am not able to say yes,Problem is that I love him, he loves me , I am not able to forget him, we still talk and inside me, I know that we both love each other. also one thing that his family was not ready at the first place for this as according to their religious believe , I am not a good match for him,But his father said, they moulded overselves as his son wanted this.
But just this issue is keeping us apart and I do not know if I would be able to get same respect in his family ? things are so bitter now ,
I tried to forget him, but could not, it is effecting my daily life. I do not know if I made right choice by asking these questions upfront rather than getting married and change things slowly.
he is repenting on his actions, he is very sorry and know what he did was not right, but I have bitterness in my mind but I do not want to let it go either as it is hard and we are very compatible except this,
I used to be very confident, independent girl, I have good education, everything, but now I feel that I could not get my first love. my confident is gone ...
Please advise Debbie , your opinion on what I should do ?
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Followup To
Question -
Hi Debbie,
My situation is bit different ,
I was dating a guy from last 6 months, He is a great person to be with and we were very happy, Our families planned for wedding and we were going to get married soon, But as I was talking to his father, He was not very easy going and not very respectful. after I talked to his father, I had doubts in my mind that if I would be able to live in a traditional environment with his family.His father is dominating in the house but I want some time for me and my husband in the begining of marriage and then I was ready to live in family structure. I asked him if me and his family do not get along, what he will do, he was not very happy about it and we got into argument . he said if they want to live with us he cannot stop it. He said that there is no way out , also his older brother is also going to live with us as he is coming in few months from back home. I am asian but I am not very traditional person I was not ready to take all this in the begining because I think we would need time to build bond between each other first. So we brokeup, he went and told his family what I want and they told him not to marry me,
it is been 1 month , still both of us are not able to come out of it.
I do not know if I am asking too much? Being a woman, I would love to be in family but not for first one year atleast, they can visit us, but I was not comfortable living in same house.
I do not know if I made right choice as I love him alot, But I could not accept what was coming with it. Please advise, I am not able to move on, thinking about it all the time.
thanks
Answer -
Riya,
You are not asking too much. Most women in your position would do the same. You have every right to want time alone in your new marriage. If your man cannot stand up to his family now before you are married then what makes you think he will stand up to them later. He needs to be a man and learn that his new wife would come first. It looks like he is being controlled by his parents and likes it. Its most likely he will not change. You will either need to except the way he is and do things his way (his parents way) or stand up for yourself and what you want and move on. If you move on it will hurt for a while but NEVER settle for less than what makes you completely happy. If you go into this unhappy then you will remain unhappy...is this what you want for yourself? Good luck and take your time. I wish you happiness in whatever you choose. Debbielee
Answer -
As I said before, you will need to except the way he and his family are or move on. You should never get married and think things will change. Marriage does not change a person. If you love someone then you need to accept them the way they are. If you go through with the marriage you will most likely encounter much difficulty from his family. If you are tough and can stand up to it then fine. If you really want to be with him then do so without marriage for a while. Long (more than a year) engagements are a wonderful thing. They give you time to explore your relationship up close. If for some reason its not working then its much easier to get out without all of the legal mumbo jumbo. Marriage should be forever. Its a much larger step then some people think. Don't jump into it, take your time. Good luck. Debbielee
AnswerRespecting him as he is or accepting him as he is means to take the "baggage" that comes with him. If he insists that his family is this important to him, if he insists that you live with them, if he insists that he cannot live without their interference then you have no choice but to accept that. You can love him and hate his parents at the same time. Loving him and not loving his parents are two different things. You don't have to accept the parents behavior but if he is unwilling to get out of that environment then you will be forced to deal with them. It seems to me that its pretty clear...he has said what he wants (to be this connected with his family) you cannot live with that. Maybe its time to cut the cord and move on. You may love him, but can you live with the baggage that comes with it? Stop torturing yourself and hemming and hawing about this thing.Learn to live with the parents and their behavior or move on. This may sound harsh but its as simple as I can make it. I don't see him changing now or in the future. Good luck.
