QuestionMy husband and I were best friends for 10 years before we dated. We dated for less than a year, and decided to get married. We married on July 27th, 1995.
Our marriage, by far, wasn't the best. We've had some happy memories, but the bad far outweighed the good. Lack of trust, although neither of us ever cheated on the other, was a big issue for us. Lack of common interest. Lack of communication. Lack of seeing eye to eye, and not being at the same "maturity level" as the other one was another problem for us. So, after almost nine years and two wonderful children, on April 26th, 2004 I left him and asked for a divorce.
Since leaving him we've both been seing other people. We've remained very friendly and still see each other almost everyday. Our divorce papers are signed and filed with the court, and should be final on July 15th. However, we both realize now that we still love each other. I've said and done some very hurtful things in the past two months, as has he, and he's squished his feelings for me more than I have him, but he still loves me. At this point, I'm willing to admit that I'm still "in love" with him, and although I know he is with me, he's not willing to admit it right now.
We've decided that we are going to stop seeing other people and try to develop a new relationship. We both want the divorce to go through cause it symbolizes an end to that chapter in our lives and a new beginning for us both. I say we have lots of issues from the past relationship that will surface in this one that needs to be worked on (and yes, we did go though marriage counseling before we split) and he says that if we have to bring the old issues into this new relationship, he doesn't want to do it. He puts it like this:
"Our relationship is like an old house. The roof leaked, so we patched it. It started to leak again, so we put a bigger patch on it and prayed it would hold. But it didn't and finally after lots of patches, the whole roof caved in and caused everything in the house to have major flood damage and we had to move away from it"
When I said "Yeah, but don't you take some of what's left in the old house to the new one?" He replied to me "Nope, cause every once in a while you'll smell that musty smell from the flood and it'll bring everything back."
I guess my question is this, in your opinion, do you think this is possible between us? Can we move on without bringing the old into the new and just build a whole new relationship? OR will the old issues surface, no matter how hard we try? Should we seek more counseling (although I don't know if he'd ever agree to that again), or workbooks? Any and all thoughts you have for this would be appreciated.
Mari
AnswerMari,
I"m sure you've heard, "you can never go back," and in a way it is very true. We all go through our own little Timespaces, which is where we are for a time, and then we move on. In your husbands fair analogy I think he is telling you he doesn't really want to go back. You mentioned so many things that were different between you, they will likely stay different. When we have intimate relationships with each other, we develop a familiarness and safeness that will always be there, and that is what you are both feeling and probably mistaking it for the love that once was. My suggestion for you both is to remain just friends. You can do all the things consenting adults can do, and then go home at the end of it. Perhaps this is the best solution for you both for now, maybe later one or both of you will move on with no strings attached. If after a time you decide you can't breathe wothout each other, the altar is always there. I always have to wonder what makes for a marriage that will last forever? One of the answers I think is the ability for each partner to understand and put aside the character flaws of the other, not take things personnal, and no matter the disagreement be able to hop into bed together at the end of the day. How some people learn this as a couple and not others, I have no idea. Enjoy your freedom for now and take each day as it comes.
Bill
