Dealing with Past Sexual History in a Marriage: Seeking Understanding and Healing

Question
My wife and i have been married for 7 years now. I still am having problem dealing with her past sexual realationships. She is the only on i have ever had sex with while she has had 3 or 4 before me. For years now i have tried to put it out of my head but its hard to do. I feel some times like i hold it over her whitch i know its not a good thing.About 4 years back my wife was suffering from depression while on a trip to see her parents she wanted to see one of her ex so ahe can close the door on that part of her life. I told her it would be alright as long is she kept to a couple of rules that i put down ( Meet in a pubilc place, no physalical contact of any kind, and to tell me what was discussed) i didnt think that was to much to ask just a couple of things for my peice of mind. well come to find out thet didnt go to a pubic place they just drove around she said she gave him a hug goodbye and she said they really didnt talk about nothing to big. and to top it off i find out a year later that she was even drunk. I want to really try to move on. any ideas, books to read, would be great, or if ya feel im nuts to think this way just tell me  

Answer
Dear Phil,

You are not nuts. You are not alone in being married to the one and only person you Have been intimate with. Unfortunately it does bring up some feelings that may need to be addressed. The first being trust.  Trusting that your spouse will be faithful and truthful is important for the health of your marriage. While your wife did not follow your rules she did not have intimate contact with this person. A hug, whether it be with an ex boyfriend or ex-spouse is normal and it may be what she needed when she was away and you were not there. It's not a bad thing- everyone needs to comforted when they are feeling down. What your wife did do was tell you what did happen and that should be expected and then dropped. TO continue to ask about a situation years after- unless they bring it up, is asking for her to question your trust in her. Your feelings are completely normal for someone who has been intimate only with their wife. you haven't had the opportunity to experience the past that she has- so you work with what you've got. Which is the most than can be expectated of anyone. Learning that she was drunk- again this could have caused her "relax" the rules set out by you, but again- trust...
Ideas for moving on would be to make a commitment to trust your wife and keep communication open with her. Perhaps speaking to a counselor would also be helpful. A great book to read would be Gray's book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".
When you think about what you could've had...think about what you do have and enjoy it!
I hope this helpful.