Learning how to establish a healthy sexual relationship. (Black
Leather Couch Tales)
As soon as Chelsea walked in, she plopped down on the couch and
announced, “I am so frustrated.”
“Hello Chelsea,” I said.
Ignoring my greeting altogether, she continued, “No really,
Coach, I am.”
A few months earlier, Chelsea, a successful, attractive and very
fit thirty-something lawyer, had been involved in a serious
quest for a good, long-term relationship. She was in my office
explaining how hard it had been to find a man of similar goals
and values given her busy lifestyle. I had encouraged her to try
online dating. I pointed out that it would be an effective
method of connecting with a large number of men that fit her
criteria, in the shortest amount of time, with minimal effort.
“Chelsea, please explain,” I replied, taking to her cue to skip
the formalities and get right to the point.
“I really did it,” she continued, “I changed my pattern,
followed your steps, went online and approached my search with a
new set of guidelines. I can tell you, it worked! I found the
right guy.”
“And…?”
“Well, Ben is a wonderful man. He’s everything I could have
hoped for. We have fun together and can agree on just about
everything. He’s already my best friend. I even waited this time
and didn’t rush into sex.”
She hesitated. I waited for her to continue.
“That’s where the problem comes up, Coach. I don’t know what to
do. Like I said, I’m frustrated…the sex is not so good. It’s
terrible because everything else about our relationship is
perfect. I can truly see us building a happy life together.”
Then, after a pensive pause, “I’m thinking maybe I should just
fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn’t it ok to fake
it for now?”
Chelsea is one of countless women who resort to “faking it” to
fool their partners into believing they enjoy lovemaking when
they actually do not. Why do so many women feel they have to
pretend to enjoy sex instead of actually being able to enjoy it?
Some women simply don’t have orgasms and they feel insecure
about it. This is usually the result of growing up with a
feeling of shame and guilt about sexuality. From a very young
age, girls are sent pretty clear messages that discourage them
from expressing and/or fully exploring this aspect of
themselves. Consequently, many women have to learn that it is
good to get in touch with their bodies on an intimate level and
learn how to be turned on. Only then can true sexual enjoyment
be experienced.
Men contribute to this problem with their own insecurity and
lack of a basic understanding of how women function sexually.
Since so many men measure their very degree of “maleness” by
their sexual prowess, it has become well established that giving
a woman an orgasm is a defining element in what we call manhood.
The problem is that when a woman cares enough about a man to
become intimate with him, she usually cares enough about his ego
to feel incredible pressure to make him believe she thoroughly
enjoys sex with him. Some woman experiencing the need to please
a man’s ego report faking orgasms “just to end the incessant
pounding.”
Men should understand that every sexual encounter will not lead
to her having an orgasm, and that it is ok. Not having an orgasm
does not mean she did not find the experience pleasurable.
Relieving her of this pressure will allow her to become more
relaxed and more receptive, thus leading to more orgasms!
I know most men would never admit it publicly, but many could
benefit from learning more about how to please women. It is
probably a good idea to start by letting go of the notion that
the only way a woman can be stimulated to a climax is by way of
intercourse. In fact, only about 30% of women can experience
orgasm with intercourse alone. That leaves a staggering majority
of women who require other forms of stimulation.
I could go on in great detail about this particular issue
because it is truly at the heart of so many of these problems.
Chelsea’s problems were rooted elsewhere.
Based on her own accounts, Chelsea placed too heavy an
importance on creating the “perfect” relationship. She went on
and on about what a perfect match she and Ben were. By wanting
something so much can create fear and anxiety not allowing you
to relax. Nonetheless, Chelsea’s attention became so focused on
how perfect their lovemaking should be, that her own natural
ability to enjoy the exquisite pleasures of intimacy was
severely hampered. To Chelsea, any problem that could taint this
otherwise perfect relationship had to be squelched by a quick
solution: Fake orgasms. Problem solved. Forgetting that a
long-term relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation.
In his 1996 book, Contemporary Interpersonal Theory and
Research, Donald Kiesler provided us with a behavior concordance
model which explains the Interpersonal Reflex Principle. This
basically states that much of our interpersonal behavior is
designed to elicit predictable responses from those with whom we
interact. These actions put into motion a cycle where one’s
behavior is constantly confirming, recognizing, validating and
influencing the behavior of others. Sounds complicated but it is
not. In essence we are training people what we like and don’t
like.
A dog, for example, repeats good behavior rewarded. However, if
you reward a dog for unwanted behavior like begging at the
table, the dog will repeat that behavior and always beg. To fake
an orgasm is to confirm to your partner that what they were
doing was good. This creates a positive feeling in your partner
and they will do more of the same. Unlike the dog, training your
partner to perform this trick will not leave you begging for
more.
Trying to break the cycle will confuse your partner creating
doubt. Your partner will lose confidence and never know when to
trust you, is he pleasing you or not? When this happens sex will
only get worse and the relationship strained.
“To answer the question should women fake it? No! Never fake it.”
Problems, as much as we would like them to, do not just go away.
The longer you go without confronting and handling them, the
bigger they become. Sexual dissatisfaction is one of the leading
causes of couples splitting up. The number one reason for sexual
dissatisfaction is lack of communication. Forgoing communication
and opting to simply fake it will only widen the gap between you
two and ultimately ruin the relationship.
It is vital that you develop a level of communication with your
partner that allows for frank and honest about sex talk. But,
how do you tell your partner what turns you on? First set the
ground rules between yourselves that sex talk is healthy, fun
and in no way to be taken in an offensive manner, then:
Talk during sex. Don’t be afraid of hurting your partner’s ego
by taking the time to teach them what brings you the most
pleasure. Men in particular are very eager and happy students in
this area. Just relax. It is ok to ask, “Do you like this?” or
“How does this feel?” By all means, if you are asked such
questions, be honest with your answers: “Yes, that feels good.”
or, “I liked it when you did this instead” and, “It really turns
me on when you do this.” Never ask after sex, “Was it good?” I
can tell you that no one likes to be asked this question. File
it under the same category as “Do I look fat in this?”
Talk about sex when you are not having sex. Ask questions and
keep learning more about each other. Tell each other your
fantasies and be willing to explore them, within reason. Opening
and maintaining these communication lines will make you both
more comfortable about the subject. Talking can also serve to
build excitement as prolonged foreplay.
Buy books and explore together. Here is another peculiar aspect.
We want sex, think about sex and are bombarded with it all over
television, movies and advertisements. Oddly, very few of us
study anything about it. A man will invest an exorbitant amount
of time learning the parts of an engine or memorizing sports
stats, but spends zero time learning about the female orgasm.
Both women and men should take every opportunity to become
students of sex together. Not only is it very sexy to learn
together, you will both benefit from it greatly in the long run.
If you are in a relationship, starting a new one, or looking to
get into one, learn that ultimately communication is the key to
building a healthy and enjoyable sex life together. Let us do
away with this notion that it is somehow wrong or shameful to
talk openly about sex or that you can offend each other. I find
it interesting that couples can be intimate with each other, yet
feel uncomfortable discussing the intimacy. So, talk, learn,
teach and, most importantly, have fun!