QuestionI have recently come to terms with my sex addiction. This was brought about by my Wife catching me on multiple occasion and declaring that she thinks that I have a problem. 57 days ago, I have been clean since and have actually begun going to SAA meetings weekly as well as trying to work some of this out with my Psychiatrist and Psychologist.
I thought that the simple act of my admission and meeting attendance would help smooth things over with my wife but.. I had yet to come to grips with the full weight of my actions and how she feels.
I have had this addiction unknowingly just about my whole life but it was very much under control when we met (1999) and for the next couple of years after that. After our son was born in 2003 I began to delve into my addiction and Internet pornography. I was able to hide this for many years but as always when trying to hide something, you get caught eventually. I told my wife on many occasions that I was no longer doing it all the while thinking in the back of my head about the next time which is going to be when she goes to bed.
I have lied to my wife repeatedly, I may as well have been cheating as far as I can see it and I am sure that is how it is hitting her a little bit. I know that she has got to be feeling betrayed, hurt, confused and many other I cannot think to list because I simply do not know.
She just approached me over the past weekend and said she thought it would be best if we separated for a time. We are keeping the apartment we have so that our son and daughter do not have to get shuffled around and we have split up the week based on our schedules and have set Sunday aside as a family day / date night.
I know that I have caused this, it is all my doing. There is not a moment in the day that goes by that I do not stop to think about what I traded my beautiful wife and marriage in for... images on the computer screen. Simply the most foolish thing I could have ever done.
My question is, is there anything that I can do to show my support, prove my intentions, help make her trust me again? I mean she cannot even change with me in the same room and I can feel her tense up if I simply brush up against her. I am planning on using a majority of this time to focus on myself and further my advancement in recovery. Get to know myself again. Search my soul and work on my relationship with my Higher Power (The Old One).
I just know that I will never look at myself again if this does and in divorce, how could I? Everything I ever wanted pushed away by a sick pestering idea in my head. I know that if she gives me the chance (again) that I will make everyday of the rest of her life more wonderful than the one before it. I just hope I have not lost that chance.
AnswerBrian:
First, congratulations to you on recognizing the wound in your soul and your willingness to heal it.
Secondly, depending on how deeply your wife feels, you may not only be able to restore this marriage, you can do so in a way that will make it even more fulfilling and filled with love than either of you ever imagined.
My advice to you is for both of you to get a to professional counselor. If both of you are Christian (especially your wife), get to a Christian counselor.
Sometimes in life we create wounds and scars on those we love the most. The good news is that scar tissue is stronger than the skin it replaced. Your marriage can be the same.
Your wife must be convinced that you have left that sordid chapter of your life behind you and it is nothing more than that - history.
In the future - NEVER put yourself in a position of being tempted or resorting to the old life "just one time". Pornography addictions are just like alcohol - NOT EVEN ONCE.
You need to continue to work on yourself - that is a never ending struggle for all of us. But focus on your wife and what you need to do to make her happy. Forget yourself - make her happy. Do so and you will achieve the marriage it sounds like you want to have.
Good luck and please keep me posted.
David
