QuestionI have been married twice before, both were quite abusive. I have one child from each. I used to be an easy going person. Now I have times when it doesn't take much to ruffle my feathers and I try very hard to get over that. It seems to get to be more and more that I lose it and I think I know why I am having such a problem with getting over this. Its 2 problems really.
It started out that I just no longer had tollerance for men. They make me angry and it doesn't take much for that to happen anymore. But I love my husband so I try to stop that. But here is why I think I am having a hard time with that.
When we were first together, it took no time for me to get pregnant. (my only unplanned baby)I was bed ridden for most of the pregnancy and found that my husband isn't to much into making sure things get paid. People and bills waited for me to have my baby. I even had her taken a bit early (not to early) so that I could find a job and save our apartment. I was so afraid of living in a car by the time she was born. 3 days after I had a job. Then he started to call in all the time. No, wait, he had ME call him in all the time.
It got to a point that I found it easier to just hold 2 jobs myself and get us through. I thought that if he could take care of the home it would be a good trade off. I have been able to pay the bills and pay for my husbands gameing and for my rabbitry and my middle childs 4 types of dance, her rabbitry, her dog and her horse lessons and her 4-H projects and girl scouts. Now we are getting a family horse. I feel good about all that I have been able to do for my family on waitressing. When I look at this I feel good about all the hours and more hours that I work and all the running around I do for my family.
Then I go home. Clothes are piled everywhere, I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bed. The trash is piling and over flowing. The bathroom gives a whole new meaning to gross. Every table top, desk area and what have you that used to be set up pretty is now under mounds and mounds of paper and I don't know what else. He won't even cook. I tend to take us out a lot because I am to tired to cook myself. I have even given him money to take the girls and get something to eat because I was to tired to even do that.
I try to hold my cool till one day I explode at him and then he does well for a week or so and back to the same till I explode again.
It doesn't help that my daughter is a screamer. She screams no matter what, even when she's happy every day all day, she screams. Sometimes that just adds to it all.
I don't know what to do. I know this was long but I had to get it all out.
Please help and thank you.
AnswerHello Pepper,
1st thing,inform your husband that if he can't take care of the house and fix supper,he can move.With what you pay for his expenses and eating out, you could hire a babysitter that cleans.Why keep him if he isn't going to do his fair share?He has it made.
Make a list of what needs to be done everyday.Put it on the refrigerator.Have him check off each time he does something.If you want to keep him around he will have to be monitored just like a child.Chores that don't get done he loses privileges.Don't give him money to go out to eat.If he doesn't have dinner ready,fix the kids a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk.He's an adult,let him make his own sandwich.
As to the child that screams,do a time out in the corner.It doesn't have to be very long,just a couple of minutes.Set a timer and tell her when the timer goes off,she can leave the corner.If she wants to sit,let her sit.Tell her that next time she screams she will be in the corner twice as long.Walk away.If she screams in the corner,take her into another room that you can shut the door.When she screams,she gets attention.Don't give it to her,use that corner.
One lady informed me some time ago that her child screamed all the time just to hear herself scream.She wasn't mad,just doing it to get attention.She sprayed her in the face with cold water in a spray bottle.Took the child by surprise and she quit screaming.The mother never said anything about doing it to her if she screamed again,she just left the bottle out where the girl could see it.That was two years ago.One time cured it.
You are wearing yourself out,emotionally and physically.Take some time for you.One night a week,tell him to make sure he feeds the kids dinner as you are busy.Take yourself out to eat,windowshop,visit a friend or relative,go see a movie.Do for you.
Rita
