QuestionQUESTION: Just recently my husband had told me that he loves me to death as the mother of his two kids but not sure if he is still in love with me, he says that he still finds me to be attractive but not sure about being in love with me. He had a very bad experience with work about 2 years ago where he was laid off within a one year period and now he tells me that has been killing him and now that he is finally in a company that he is happy and finally succeding and is where he is been wanting to be his focus is now "HIS JOB" and that he feels that once things slow down at work he will have a better idea of what is going on in his head when it comes to his feelings towards me. We do still sleep in the same bed but no intimacy at all, only a peck on the cheek or I usually do the hugging. He is told me that he needs time and it will not take overnight, we are going for counseling and he is too, we only been on 2 sessions because we just started, he is actually going next week by himself and then our counselor will have us together again. I just don't understand how stress could have changed my husband's feelings towards me. We are like roomates and I guess I did not see that, he says that now that he is finally succeding he cannot slow down at his job as he is trying to prove more to them so he can get another promotion. So where does that leave me? How would I know how he really feels about me? Am I wasting my time waiting for him, its only been a month since all broke loose but I sometimes want to just give him the divorce, I love him to death but I am in so much pain. Please give me some advice?
ANSWER: Milena - you are definitely not wasting your time. Give the counseling some time. Focus on the positive. It is a very good sign that he is going to counseling. If he refused, that usually indicates giving up.
I wish I had more to say to you to help your pain but, I have seen this situation many, many times and my prognosis for your relationship is actually quite good.
Just be patient, stay positive, and look for the good. Properly done, you both will find your marriage more fulfilling, loving, and exciting than you ever imagined.
Please keep me posted.
David
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QUESTION: Ok David, I take your advise and I be positive, all I been doing is leaving him alone at home,our marriage counselor had said two weeks ago for us to do our homework and that is calling each other to see how things are at work but he has not done it and he told that becuase he is focusing on his career he is not ready to do that stuff that our counselor had said to start doing or to go out on datenight. That gets me frustrating because I am doing all the work and he is just thinking about his job. The reason why I have doubts is because I believe that once you fall out of love its hard to fall again, so I really don't believe that my husband can feel the same way that he use to for me. That confuses me a lot and it makes me feel that there is no chance of that ever.
ANSWER: Milena - the best way to handle this is to let the marriage counselor deal with it. If you make an issue of it, you may make things worse.
The counselor will ask if both of you are doing the work necessary to rebuild the relationship. He will have to defend the fact that he is not. The counselor will deal with it then.
David
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QUESTION: Hello David, wanted to keep you an update like you asked me to do. Well, I know its only been almost 2 months since my husband opened up to me regarding our relationship but he has since kind of moved out, his stuff still here so the only different thing that he is doing is not sleeping in our home, he is staying with a friend in a studio apartment so what he is doing still is comes here in the morning to take our two boys to school, when he is coming in i am leaving for work. I am trying not to see him because remember he is the one that wanted this break/separation. I know he is not happy where he is staying but I am also relief that he is not coming here after work because it would kill me when I wondered where he was after he got out from work. Anyway, i asked him a day ago on how is it now that he is not here, is he happier and he said that he feels that he is in denial that he is sure is that denial feeling but about what? I was not sure what he meant by that, so then I said but what are you thinking about now? and he then said I think about work and cominghere in the mornings to take boys to school and that is it. DAvid I wanted to scream at him to tell him that I am done and I want to file for divorce at this point. I know this situation has only been going on for 2 months and people do tell me to give him time but how long can I take this abuse, like he said he is only thinking about himself and the job, he admitted to being selfish and is all about him. I feel like I am going through a death in the family. I want to call my attorney to just tell him to finish this now. He does not look good, he looks sad, depressed and still losing weight, walks like a caveman if you knwo what I mean. I don't know what to do anymore.
Best Regards,
Millie
AnswerMillie - unfortunately, it does not sound like he was serious about counseling. My guess is that he was doing it to appease you and get a temporary reprieve.
At this point, I must agree with you. It sounds like this may be over and the healthiest thing to do is to move on.
David
