QuestionHi Becky,
I really hope you can help me here. My bf and I have been dating for ALMOST 2 years. We talked about marriage,he asked me if I would marry him,talked about kids (he's 25,I'm 26,we live together) he even said he was looking at the rings ;)
Recently,he lost hes job and stopped talking about the marriage and I understand why,men needs financial stability. The thing that confuses me is,he says he wants future with me and loves me to death. We're moving from Ontario to British Columbia,Canada(I'm not gonna get into why we're moving)but the thing is,this move is very expensive and we're going TOGETHER he wants me there,to start our life from scratch there.
Like I said he doent's talk about marriage anymore and I don't feel comfortable asking.
What does all this mean,does he wants to marry me one day???
Also,he smokes weed and I hate it,we had some converstaion about the future and our kids and how we'll live and manage out lives and stuff(he says OUR kids) I snapped and said don't include me in your future and talk about the kids if you're gonna keep smoking weed,I dont wanna marry pot head and raise kids. As of then.. when kids come up in the topic he says MY kids
I'm so confused and don't know what to do. I love this man and would like to be married to him.
Hope I didn't confused you and you'll be able to clear the air for me.
Thank You so much!
Daria
AnswerHi Darla,
Thanks for contacting me. You are right to question whether or not you want to marry a pothead. I cannot tell you the many couples I have seen where one spouse is a pot smoker, and how it destroys what could have been a great relationship. I can't emphasize enough what an enormous problem it is, and if it was me, I would run the other way.
But you're not me ... you're in this relationship, and red flags are flying all around to warn you that this may be less than a great marriage if your relationship ever gets that far. I am curious about why you want this relationship so badly when all signs around you point to disaster?
If I were you, I would not go anywhere or make any major changes in my life for another person without some sort of absolute guarantee of my financial security. I once worked with a woman from New Zealand who brought her four kids to America for a relationship with an American man she'd met. He ended up being a total loser, kicked her out of his place and she was stranded with no shelter, no money ... living in shelters. She had no money to get back home. It wasn't quite the dream she'd imagined and it really taught me about the dangers in following men around the world.
Your beau sounds like he is in a slump. He may be in a depression, and then marijuana causes people to lose motivation. It also prevents people from emotionally connecting. A pot smoker typically withdraws into his own world and doesn't make a good person to have a romance with. He needs to get help, but you must tread carefully because this is his journey and you do not want to enter the role of his caretaker. At that point you start a codependent type of role, and that is exceedingly difficult to get out of. I recommend you read a book called, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. She will explain the dynamic of women who fall for guys who have problems or can't emotionally connect in the way we need, and how to get out of it and have healthy relationships.
I hope this helps. I wish you the best.
Doctor Becky
