QuestionOk so if anyone was to look at our relationship they would think it was great, and for the most part it is. I don't know if it is just my problem or what. We will have been together for 10 years in Feb 2010 we are not married but have been living together the whole time and we have a one year old son. My partner works away all the time he is gone for 10 days and then home for 4 days, I just feel like we are growing apart. I have no job and I am staying home to care for our son. We live in a really,really small town about an hour from a larger city. Everything is great for the most part but when he comes home he usually spends the time out in his garage drinking, alone. That really bothers me since I have a huge family history of alcoholism. When we first met I could drink right along with him but now I have no desire to. Not to mention we don't ever go anywhere because he says he never gets to be home, which I understand. I have tried to talk to him about how much the drinking bothers me and he just continues to do it. I just feel like I am always the one that is trying to make our life better and I take care of him and our baby, I am getting tired and I don't know what to do anymore. I know I need to talk to him and he isn't going to like what I have to say but he needs to make a choice, his family or the drinking because I won't go through this again, and I don't want my son to go through it. Do you think I am being to harsh and how do you think I should proceed?
AnswerHi Mellissa~
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly (and I mean exactly) how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this relationship. Of course, he's not going to like to hear what you have to say, but, well, that's just too bad. He's already avoided you long enough to being away for work, and then what little time he is home he spends (as you said) in the garage drinking. He can't hide and run away from these problems any longer. They aren't going to just go away like he's hoping they will, that's just not the way it happens in life. You've been patient and you've put up with for way longer than you should have already. Now is the time to tell him that he has to make up his mind it's the drinking or his family. Tell him that you can't keep living like this b/c it's taking too much of a toll on you, stressing you out, you don't feel like he's the person you fell in love with anymore, he's changed too much. You love him but you can't keep putting up with his drinking and avoiding you any longer. It's not fair to you, your son or even him. The key here is that he has to be a willing participant to make this relationship work or you'll be forced to move on with your life w/o him in it. The choice is his and if he refuses to make it, you'll make it for him. The time has come that things have to change for the better or you are getting out b/c you can no longer endure what he's put you through. And if that means you have to move out and go stay with family and be a single mother raising your son on your own, then so be it. More power to you, b/c if I can do it with 3 young children and working, then so can you or anyone for that matter. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, b/c it sure won't. You can do whatever you put your mind too. This isn't about him any longer, it's suddenly about you and your son.
My father was an alcoholic for almost his entire life. I know how it feels to be subjected to an unhealthy situation when you have a parent that drinks and choose that over his family. It still affects me to this very day. This is why I do not touch anything alcoholic. Did you know that a person that has a parent that is an alcoholic has a 50% chance of becoming on later in life. It's true. And not to mention that the same-sexed parent is a huge role model in a child's life. Pretty scary when you think about all of this thrown all together, huh?! So that should be an indicator of what life will continue to be if you opt to stay with him. Which I would strongly advice against you doing. But of course that's a choice that only you can make for yourself. I guess my point here is go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy, and what's in the best interest of your son and you. Whatever choice you make it's not going to be easy that's for sure. Don't feel that you just have to continue settling for this treatment from him, when you deserve way better than he's currently capable of giving you. The choice is yours and it all starts with you.
But to answer your question, no, I don't think you're being too harsh on him at all. You lay out what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect from him, yet try to support and encourage him to do it. If he refuses to try or change, then you tell him you're sorry but you can't keep living this way and you move on with your life w/o him in it. Sure it'll be tough but eventually things can and will get better as time goes on, if you choose to be on your own. I hope this helps you some.
