QuestionHello. My husband and i have been married for 10 years. We have a wonderful son aged 2 and we like being with each other. We understand each other, love each other, respect and care for each other in every aspect except when it come for his mother. His mother has cause trouble since day one. without seeking advise from a prefessional and trying to find a logical excuse for her behaviour i came to the conclusion that she might be suffering from Antisocial personality disorder. Either that or she is plain bad. I hate to think that someone can be so mean and tries to suck the good energy out of people and trying to replace it with negativity and misery.
This woman Has a hard looking face, even though she smiles and laughs you can always sense that there is no laughter in her heart. she is always victimizing herself by causing all sorts of problems, arguements and stress in her life and in others and then always finds the way to make it about her and make others feel sorry for her. She manages to manipulate people and she does it without thinking of the consequences which there aren't any usually. If she does something nice which is not often, she will always ask for something in return. she would never give without recieving. She is always rude and arrogant and she always seems to have different arguements and fights with people. This was just some of her traits to give you her profile.
My problem is that i don't think i can handle more of this. i feel i'm being bullied and get a stomach ache every time i see her. I feel i will get sick eventually if this does not stop and i don't want all this for myself. I have discussed this with my husband many times through the years and he too realizes how terrible she is. The way he was raised is... pretend nothing has happened. They are not very open and honest about their feeling with each other. I don't know whether this comes from fear of loosing their mothers love because she does play little ego game with her children.
All these years i tried to involve her in our lives hoping that she would see that there is no reason to worry or feel left out. Then i realized it wasn't about all that. I believe that she enjoys hurting others and causing chaos. One time she even said "when you are close with people you can say anything, even hurt them and it's ok" when i answered "when you are close to people you need to respect them" she ignored me and when on about something else.
recently my husband had a word to her and told her that if she didn't stop all this it would be the end of "our" relationship with her. She stopped for a month and then started again. It wasn't the end. When i suggested that when he gives her such a choice he needs to go ahead with the consequence and that maybe we should see her once every 2 or 3 weeks until she starts to act otherwise instead of every week, he said that he wants to have more contact with her that that, not for him but for the child. Needless to say that my son feels the negative energy coming from her and doesn't really care if he sees her or not. I told my husband that he can see her whenever he wants but he cannot force me to and he chucked a tandrum worse than the once my 2 year old has. After he calmed down he apologized and we agreed that i would see her once a fortnight and he would see her once a week.
I hate all this that is happening between my husband and i, and sometime i think i should just put up with my mother in law just to keep calmness in our home... but i don't think i can. I fear that if i see her too much, i will become just like her. I am afraid that i will open my mouth one day and say things to her no one ever has and that will be the end. I don't like confrontations and i surely don't like to be mean to people. My goal has never been to stop contact between her and our family, after all she is his mother and how bad she may be to me, i am sure that in his eyes and heart she is a mother that once cared for him, loved him and passed positive energy. ( i hope)
What else can i do? how should i handle this situation? talking to her dosn't help because she never seems to remember or take responsibility for anything. Cutting off is out of the question. HELP!
AnswerHi Anna,
I sure am sorry for the situation you are in -- it sounds like hell! It sounds like your mother-in-law may have a personality disorder called BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. It is as dreadful to live with as it is common -- one in 8 to 10 women have it. You can read all about it at www.bpdcentral.com and can also read a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It was written for people who have family members with BPD.
When you have a family member with BPD, and i think that you do, you must forget about treating them like anyone else you have ever known. You have to speak to them in "BPD" language. Books have been written about this complicated situation, but briefly, you need to only involve yourself with this woman on a surface level. You don't want her to know too much of your business, have no money dealings, and never take any favors from her. Just be pleasant, but have no transactions with her of any kind UNLESS you are prepared to do all the giving with no expectations of receiving. A person with BPD has many expectations ... that is why it is best to not put yourself in a situation where expectations might come into play. In addition, maintaining firm boundaries is important. If she is rude to you in person, back off and only involve yourself through email, or tell her if she is rude you will remove yourself from the situation, and do it. I understand you can't cut her off, but you can set boundaries. This is very important.
My friend, dealing with BPD's is tough, but most families have at least one. I always think of these people as being like a cyclone that just swirls into your life and wrecks everything around. I hope your husband is supportive of you in this ... but learning about BPD will help you more than you will know.
I wish you luck -- hang in there!
Doctor Becky
