Navigating Relationship Challenges: Infidelity and Decision-Making

Question
This is a long story so bear with me. My ex-husband and I have been together 15 years. In the beginning we were very happy and had an active and satisfying sex life. About six years into our relationship, but before we were married, I discovered some email correspondence from him to a woman he worked with. He was traveling extensively at the time and when he flew to a different state, he would see her. Apparently, they had been phoning, emailing, and sharing intimate conversations and the emails indicated they had feelings for one another. I confronted him, he denied any sexual contact (so did she), admitted it was a mistake, promised he'd never see or talk to her again, and we tried to move on. He was the only man I'd ever completely trusted and I was shattered. A few weeks later, I went with him to the state where she lived on one of his business trips. While we were traveling, she called him. I was sitting next to him and I could hear her asking him if I was there. He pretended it was a wrong number. I was furious, hurt, devastated. I didn't understand why he didn't just tell her not to call him. At any rate, we again tried to move on and life slowly got back to semi-normal. We even got married and bought a house. Then I met someone. At first the three of us were friends but it became apparent my friend was only interested in me. My husband refused to hang out with us anymore but insisted he was okay with me hanging out with this person. One thing led to another and we began what has now been a six year affair. In the meantime, my relationship with my husband deteriorated and I moved out and eventually divorced him but we are still together in the sense that we love each other. I don't want to have sex with him but I can't imagine leaving him for good. I am unable to commit to this other man either. I'm making myself crazy and I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I'll ever trust anyone ever again. I just turned 50 and think that sex shouldn't be important and I should give my ex-husband and I another chance but that scares me. Leaving him scares me more. I feel stuck. I'm miserable and work all the time so I don't have to spend so much time thinking. Can you please give me some realistic advice besides just leaving? I'm currently in counseling and she says to leave but I don't know how to do that.

Answer
Hi Dani~

Just b/c you love him and have been with him for 15 yrs is not a reason to stay with him.  And it's normal to be scared of leaving him and not being involved in his life anymore.  That usually happens in any separation case.  Staying with him is not going to make you feel better either.  You've become dependent on him over these last 15 yrs.  How else are you going to explain your dependency on him and you not wanting someone to suggest that you leave him?  Having a co-dependency with someone is very unhealthy.  It gives you anxiety to think of not being with or around him.  Why is that?  Why do you feel that way?  Why do you feel the need to cling to him and the thought of not being with/around him makes you feel the way you do?  These are some of the tough questions you need to ask yourself.  As for your counselor saying to leave him too, ask for suggestions on ways to go about it.  Have her explain in greater detail how your supposed to go about doing this, when you feel the need to be with him so greatly.  This is a very valid and legitimate question and concern for you.  The choice is one that only you can make.