QuestionHello, my name is Stacee and I am 22 years old living in New York City. I am a senior at my last year in college. Last summer, May 2010 I went on a first date with a really great guy. I automatically knew that there was instant connection between both parties, and I was sure he felt it too because even though he was extremely busy with work he made a great effort to get to know me and form a relationship with me. He is a tax accountant at a very large accounting firm in New York City, so we are both pretty well off. The chemistry and times were so great last summer, that I felt deep down inside that he was the one. We made a perfect couple, and he tried really hard to please and impress me. I knew he wanted me, and for the first time in my life I knew what he was all about and that he wasnt playing games. I knew he wanted a long term relationship with me. However, after five months of dating, I started to wonder what his intentions were. I wanted to know at the beginning just so I knew we were on the same page and so I knew I wasn't wasting my time. So, last October when I brought up the engagement/marriage topic he seemed so happy and re-leaved that I finally brought it up. When I asked him why he didnt bring it up sooner he said its because he didn't think my mom would allow it at such a young age, and that he had intentions on marrying me, and was thinking about rings. However, the day after I brought this up, and after he told his parents, I saw he was starting to freak out. He is 28 now, and he has been living home with his parents since I had met him. He does well financially, not great, but decent enough to live on his own. So after he promised he would give me the ring for my 21st birthday, he started getting jittery informing me not to rush anything, and postponing the ring and wedding date. I started becoming very hurt, upset, and anxious and told him I want the ring by my birthday or else I am seeing other guys, since he did promise me and all. So he ordered me the ring, but it was out of a lot of pushing on my part. He initially told me, last year that he had wanted to give me the ring after a year. I kind of regret pushing him so soon now. Anyways, I noticed that once I had the ring he was very stressed out and nervous how he now has more responsibilities for me now that I have the ring. I than started mentioning how we should set a wedding date, and he kept refusing telling me that we will do it when we are ready. So months passed, and this past February, after much persuasion, he finally set a wedding date for next June of 2012. I noticed how stressed he was becoming, and always complaining and mentioning how he has more responsibilities for me now, like it was a bad thing. That same month, he broke the wedding date and refused to give me another one, saying how we will wait until we are ready. No compromising or new time frame for a new wedding date. I was really sad at first. However, he apologized and I gave him a few more months. After the breaking of the date, I kept informing him how we need a new date, but he kept refusing. He mentioned if I kept bringing up marriage that I would be pushing him away. He even told me not to wear the ring because it stresses him out and how we will get re-engaged when the time was right. I was younger and more naive at the time, so I did whatever he had asked to keep him around. So we went on from April to the end of July not bringing up engagement or marriage anymore, and we had a really good start of the spring/summer. We spent the Jewish holidays together, he took me to Miami and we had an awesome time. He even bought me an apple IPAD for our year anniversary! He truly made an effort in Miami to make our anniversary special. And even after the trip, we continued seeing each other and enjoying each others company on a regular basis. However, things started to go downhill again in late June when he failed his CPA (certified public accountant) exam. It was the last part, and now he has to take it again and if he doesnt pass this time, he has to take all the parts all over again, so he has one more chance. He also didn't get promoted like he had wanted to, and he had mentioned that if he didnt get promoted soon that the firm would fire him. He than started complaining that he needs his time alone to focus on the cpa and promotion because he feels like he is going nowhere and he put in all this hard work and it resulted in nothing. I persuaded him how it would be a bad idea if we broke up, so he agreed and went back to me while still focusing on his exam. That is when I realized that I really do need to be engaged after all, and how its already been more than a year and I want to feel more secure, basically what every girl wants. I figured if he is going to be busy working on his career, I want to know that I will be part of it and that I am being supportive for a reason. So, I brought up the topic on getting re-engagement saying how its been more than enough time and how now is the right time and how it was a mistake for me to rush into engagement only after six months. He told me that he was not ready to do anything official. I started seeing myself persuading and saying how if he couldn't get re-engaged or tell me when that I would have to see other guys who actually want me. He told me I should be patient because I am young and there is no rush, and that we will eventually get engaged again and that I have to trust him. However, I was really upset. I finally agreed that I would be patient but only if he treated me the way he did in the beginning. He promised he would so I saw that he lied. I told him that I would now move on from him since he wasnt being nice. He started acting very nasty in return saying how everything was good until I brought up engagement, and how he will only get back together with me If i dropped the topic of engagement for now. He also told me that he does feel bad but he has a lot on him now with the promotion and exam and he wants to simplify things, not make them more complex. So, now we are not talking since he knows what I want and claims he cant give it to me now. I need to know, should I give into what he wants or stay strong and continue making a stand that i will not tolerate disrespect anymore? I know we both care about each other, and I still see us having a future together since we go well together, but what should I do, hold on, wait and be patient, or let go completely and start dating again and let him know that? He said he didnt believe that I was going to join a dating site, either, so maybe he knows i'll always be the rag to stick around. Hope to hear from you soon, Stacee.
AnswerHi Stacee~
If he's going to act this way around you and treat you with such disrespect what do you really think he'll do and what will happen should you actually marry him?! So, he's not good with stress, but marriage is stressful and so is life at times. And you shouldn't take it out on someone you love, but it does happen. By the same token ppl don't like to be pressured or badgered into doing something that they clearly are not ready for. Sure, he might have been ready at the time or thought he was, but then he talked to his parents, and they must have convinced him otherwise, hence the turn about he did after he spoke with them about the engagement. There were a couple of things that played into this whole scenario here. A) Getting engaged too quickly, when you should've let the relationship go on a little while longer. And B) you constantly nagging him (and I mean no disrespect here when I say that, but guys in general do not like when women nag them) about another engagement and wedding date, etc. He took his frustrations out on you in a way that he shouldn't have. Instead you should've sat down and told him what you expected and what your goals were in life. I.E - you wanted to be with him for X period of time, and that it's important to you for him to show his commitment to you by agreeing on a potential wedding date/time frame, etc, and all the other things that you expect out of a relationship and especially when it's as serious as getting engaged and planning to spend your life and making a future with him (or someone else that you love) and want to be with.
The bottom line here is that you're both equally responsible for the breakdown of this relationship and for not communicating in a better way together. Communication in any happy, healthy and successful relationship or marriage is a must. You have to be able to know what your partner/spouse is feeling and thinking on a regular basis. And if you don't know, it's your job to find out and to talk about it and work whatever problems and issue that arise out together as a team. Marriage is a tough thing, and it definitely changes a person for better or worse. If he'll show you this obnoxious and rude side of him and you're not married, I can only imagine what he'd do and treat you like as his wife. Maybe it's a good thing that you saw this side of him, so that you can't get mixed up in it again. I'm not saying he's a bad guy or anything, but if this is a glimpse into how he treated women then I'd say run for the hills and don't look back.
He has to learn that you can not and will not take this abusive behavior from him any longer, and it's not okay for him to treat you like this, period. If you allow it to happen, then he will know he can behave this way around you and you will tolerate it. Don't give him that permission to treat you this way, ever. If you do then he'll take full advantage of it and it'll continue, mark my words. I've seen this happen too many times in situations such as yours (not just with an engagement but other scenarios, etc). Love, trust and respect all go hand in hand in a marriage and if you don't have all 3 of those, then that's not much of a relationship or marriage if I'm being honest here.
Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy, this isn't about him anymore and the stresses of his life. If I were in your situation though, I think I'd just be brutally honest with him about my expectations and if he couldn't meet them and respect me in the process for my reasons, then he was not worth my time, effort and energy and it'd be his loss and not mine. I would move on with my life w/o him in it, and eventually find someone that would treat me the way I deserve to be treated, no ifs, ands or buts about it. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
