QuestionQUESTION: My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have not been able to get him to met or even want to met me needs emotionally or physically. When we got married I told him in earnest that I wanted to have children, I was 32, I am know 36 and he still says we should wait. For what - I don't know. Why he has no answer. I love the thought of being married but do not feel married in anyway. My husband will not allow me to take his last name (He says it because I will not be able to find a job as he has a foreign name) and doesn't wear a weeding band - EVER! I have never met his family or any of his friends. While we live together and have for the past 4 years my husband explains that he does not make friends easily and therefore does not have any in the city we live. We do not go out with other couples. We have never been on a honeymoon. I do not have one picture of my weeding day and frankly I am at a loss! If my husband does not want to do something it will not get done. My feelings do not count unless they are in agreement with his. My question - should I leave?
ANSWER: Hi Ayisa~
If you feel that you must leave then by all means do it. You've made no progress with him in the already 3 yrs you've been married. He doesn't want kids right now and you do, he doesn't wear his wedding band ever, he never goes out with friends, doesn't want you to take his last name (for all these silly reasons he can come up with), etc, etc. It doesn't sound like you've ever really been totally happy with him and this marriage. He keeps making excuses for things that you want to do or that you suggest you'd like to do with him. Why is he doing this? This isn't how a real marriage is supposed to be. He's doing all the opposite things that a marriage stands for. You've said that you don't even really feel married. His actions are speaking volumes to what he really thinks of marriage, otherwise, he'd be more open to your suggestions and wants in the marriage. Why is he being so secretive with you?
My advice is to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy, whatever that decision ultimately ends up being. And clearly he's not giving you a happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage that you so desperately deserve and want from him. Yes, perhaps it would be in your best interest to leave him. He's obviously either unwilling or unable to give you what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in a marriage. This isn't about him anymore, it's about you and your thoughts and feelings on marriage and everything else. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Why is it so hard to hear something you already know?
AnswerHi Ayisa~
Because, Ayisa, it's hard to hear something like this when it's someone you love and you really and truly want to be with and be married too. It's hard to take rejection from anyone. As humans we all have that want and desire to be loved, appreciated, wanted, to get affection, attention and be attracted and attractive to our spouse or significant other. It's human nature to want all that, and when you don't have that but you so deseperately want it, that's what makes all that you're going through hard on you. All of these thoughts and feelings you're experiencing right now are totally normal and to be expected. We all want the perfect relationship and/or marriage to the person of our dreams, but sometimes that's not reality at all. It's hard to face something like that and to eventually come to terms with it. It can and will get better, one day you'll find someone that can truly love you for you, until that happens don't feel that you should just have to settle for something or anything that comes your way. You are stronger than you think you are and stronger and more determined than you give yourself credit for. You'll be fine, you'll see.
