Questioni had an abortion about 9 months ago and i just cant seem to get over it. i think about it over and over and i try to tell myself that its over and done with but i find myself blaming my boyfriend and its effecting our relationship. i love him and want to be with him but i really do feel like i only did it to make him happy. i don't know what to do and i don't know how i can save my relationship with him. i just need some suggestions as to what i should do; i was hoping you could help.
AnswerHello, Leslie,
What you are experiencing is very common. There is a very good chance you did do it just to make him happy. A lot of guys will exert subtle pressure because they're not ready for the responsibility. Thinking back, did he do or say anything that caused you to think it's what he wanted, even just a slight pulling back in affection? Did he tell you it was your decision and he would back whatever you decided? A lot of women see this as abandonment. We secretly want the father to fight for his child. It's part of what it means to be male, and we all know it. But since men don't have any legal say in the US, a lot of them feel all they can do is back off. Another possibility is that you felt having a baby would wreck his life, and you decided for that reason. See if you can think back to what you were thinking at the time.
Abortion attacks our very spirit, and it's hard not to blame someone for having done something to encourage it.
Part of the problem is that women rarely understand male sexuality, at least not until we have lived with a man for a long time. When we have sex, our bodies release a hormone that causes us to bond with our partner. You have that bond. You lost your child, and you don't want to lose him, because then you would have nothing.
I recommend that first, you write down your feelings. Express all your anger at having had to experience this. Don't show it to anyone. Just get it out. Then destroy what you wrote. Allow yourself to grieve. You lost something very precious, and you have a right to grieve. Do something as a memorial for your child. It can be planting a tree, or making a web page for him or her, giving him or her a name, and so forth.
The next thing you will need to do is forgive. Forgiveness is not an emotion. You won't feel like forgiving. Forgiveness is a choice. You choose to accept the hurt and not strike back or blame the other person. I encourage you to ask God for forgiveness. Then choose to forgive him for whatever he did that played a part in your decision. Forgive the abortionist. Lastly, forgive yourself. All of this will be very hard, and will take time. Tell God that you don't want to forgive, and can't bring yourself to do it. Tell Him that He needs to help you want to. Chances are, you will find yourself back into your mindset of holding on to this, so you may have to ask repeatedly. Be aware that Jesus paid a price for this. If you haven't done this, I recommend you watch the Jesus Film (available online) or see a passion play. You will realize what kind of price He paid, and the gift of forgiveness is free. There is nothing you have to do or can do to earn it. Also, please be aware that you are not worse than anyone else. We all needed His sacrifice. All of us. You won't have to ask your child for forgiveness. That has already happened. Your child is with Jesus.
Please also be aware that your boyfriend may also have regrets, but he is unlikely to express them. He may also be blaming you.
Your due date and the anniversary of your abortion are both dangerous times. Make sure you are with someone you trust, rather than alone.
I think after these things, you will find that you are healing. At this point, you should assess your relationship with your boyfriend. Would he make a good husband and father? Or do you think that he is inclined toward violence or abusiveness? Is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? If so, then plan to stay with him. If you feel he is not someone who will cherish you in the future, and won't protect you and your children, start thinking of finding someone else. You allowed him to take advantage of you in the past, and he was perfectly willing to do so. If that hadn't happened, you would never have faced the decision. Try to have a long talk with him, or several. Tell him you want to turn over a new leaf in your relationship. I recommend that you both refrain from sex, and that you wait for marriage. If he wants to have sex with you, he should marry you. People miss the deeper meaning of sex anyway, unless they are married.
I recommend you both get counseling. There are programs available for women and men who have experienced abortion. These are run by organizations located all over the United States. You can find an organization near you by going here:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
They also have online counseling available.
I pray that you will heal emotionally. Feel free to come back and talk to me any time, and please take care of yourself. You are precious in God's sight, and I also care very much. I would hug you if I could, but I can't. So here is a cyber hug: (((((((((Leslie)))))))))
I hope this helps.
