Dealing with a Cheating Father: Seeking Advice and Support

Question
My father has been cheating on my mother for 8 years now.  Ive known about it for three but he has always found ways to blackmail me persay so I wont tell my mother.  Should I tell her?  The guilt is killing me.  If so how do I tell her or have her find out with out my father knowing I was the one who told her?  Im desperate for any advice.  Im torn.  I love both my parents but dont want to see my mother get hurt!

Answer
Dear Dodi,

Thank you for contacting allexperts.com.  I hope that I can assist you with your question.

First of all, I would like to apologize for my delay in answering your question.  I have had guests for the holiday and have not had an opportunity to check my email.

This is a very difficult question to answer.  First you must ask yourself what telling your mother would accomplish.  Would it change your father's ways?  Probably not.  Would it make the past eight years disappear?  Of course not.  By mentioning this information to your mother you will only cause pain for her. Is this what you want?

Secondly, you must strongly consider the fact that your mother knows, or at the very least, suspects your father's infidelity.  Have you considered the possibility that she does and has simply chosen to "look the other way"?

Despite the fact that you are their child, I don't believe that you should interfere with their personal business.  They are both adults and they may have worked out an arrangement that you might not be aware of.  It is not your parents responsibility to explain the intimate details of their life together.

My advice to you would be to try and pursuade your father to give up this pattern of infidelity and work on the marriage.  I strongly suggest that you do not interefere because doing so would polarize your relationship with your parents and it may cause more problems for everyone concerned.  I know that you want to get rid of the guilt of knowing, but do not let this selfish motive damage your parent's relationship, and most importantly your mother's happiness.  It is not fair to them.

Best wishes to you and your family.  I hope that your father comes to his senses and seeks to improve the quality of his relationship with his mother instead.

Thank you.

R. M. French