QuestionHi. I have a question about my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for
4 years now, and for the most part we have had a strong relationship during
that time period. About two months ago he asked me to marry him and I said
yes, feeling very happy about this. But ever since then I feel like we have been
fighting almost non-stop. I feel like I am the only one doing anything to get
things prepared for the wedding (hiring preacher, finding chapel, getting
reception together, etc.) and I am becoming resentful and have begun yelling
at him on occasion. He gets mad and has started sleeping on the couch and
ignoring me. I am miserable and I'm sure he is too. Is this normal? Should I be
reading something into all of this? We have an appointment with a couple's
counselor on Friday, I'm hoping that can help us sort out what is going on. I
love him, but I am getting more and more wary of the way we fight. It's not a
good pattern and I don't really want a lifetime of this kind of misery, where
whenever we fight I feel like he withholds his love to punish me.
AnswerDear Ashley,
After being together for 4 years, you both know whether you would like to be together for the rest of your life. Although there is an incredible amount of stress during the planning of a wedding, there should not be constant arguing between the two of you. There must be something else going on that is causing this. Is family getting in the way? Does he feel resentment in any way? Does he feel capable of picking things out for the wedding? Are you having fun planning the wedding? If you are not having fun planning the wedding, then he may not want to be a part of it. Usually it is the woman who plans and makes the decisions for the wedding because they prefer it to be that way. As girls, we have dreams of one day getting married and planning the perfect wedding. Some women know exactly what they want and how it will play out. Many women do not want their husbands-to-be to get involved because they begin to fight about having it their own certain way. Planning weddings are extremely stressful and many couples do not plan far enough in advance for the preparation of this big event. We all hope that we only have one wedding in our lifetime that we get to be a part of and have it be the day of our dreams, but so many of us get wrapped up in the logistics of it all, that we forget what it is really all about. It should be fun and exciting. A creation of our dreams and our life long mate together with romance and expression of who we were and who we will become. Try to take your fiance with you and make it an exciting time for the both of you. Put humor and laughter into it, make light of the things that do not go right(there will always be those things that do not go right), find things that you can do together, give him a list of small things to do so that he feels a part of it and he feels like he is contributing something, hold hands and give lots of hugs and kisses, find time to forget about the wedding all together(even talking about it), give your family and maid of honor or wedding party things to do to help you out by making phone calls or grabbing swatches for you, take time for yourself(read a book or bubble bath or both), organize your time perfectly with a planner and do not second guess this marriage(it only makes this stressful time in your life more stressful). Remember that you are not alone. There are thousands of women out there that are getting married and feeling the same way. If you did not know he was right for you, you would have broken up long ago. He is the man that is perfect for you and you will have a fine marriage. This time that you are going through is very normal and many couples do fight quite a bit before that big day only because they question whether or not their partner is right for them. There is no need to worry. These couples are the ones that stay married forever. It is the couples that know from the very start that they should not be involved with the person, that get married and then divorced. Get through your engagement with honor. Have fun with him and show lots of love to him since he will feel better about the marriage too. This will alleviate his nervousness as well. You will remember this time forever, so have fun with it!
Good luck and take care!
Kiya
