QuestionDear Bill,
My husband and I have been married for a little over 9 years. We have had 5 children (ages 2-13 - the oldest is mine from a previous marriage) together and I am currently 32 weeks pregnant. Last year, we decided to move back to my husband's hometown after living 22 hours away for the majority of our marriage. After moving here, my motivated husband has changed dramatically. Where we lived before, he was successfully self-employed and provided well for our family. I have always been a stay at home mother, as we were both raised this way and wanted that opportunity for our children. It has not come without sacrifices on both of our parts, especially with such a large family. In fact, we moved back here to give our children a life in the country and a back to the basics lifestyle.
Our business has not been doing well here at all and we have been under a huge financial burden. Only from help through our families, have we been able to make ends meet. It has been a tough year to say the least - financially, mentally, and emotionally. Then, in Feb. my father, who had been the biggest help to us financially and to me emotionally, since our move, suddenly passed away, leaving a huge void in my life. After receiving the first part of my inheritance, we immediately bought a home(cash) on 4 acres - a dream come true after living in a single wide trailer with the children for a year - on my in-laws property. My problem is this - the only thing my husband does is either want to work on his parent's farm (for free) and when he is home he sits in the recliner and watches TV or sleeps. He works when he has work - which maybe is an average of one time a week, otherwise he uses any excuse to get out of the house and go to his parents who live 7 miles from us, leaving me with the burden of housework, children, paying bills, handling paperwork for our business, etc. He has been making ridiculous financial decisions, trying to live like we're still making a six figure salary instead of barely grossing five figures. I am growing increasingly frusterated as the first installment of my inheiritance is nearly gone and since February, I have been responsible for paying all the bills, while he plays at being a farmer at his parents (without so much as a thank you from them for all his work, by the way). For example he has cleared fence rows, banded calves, baled hay, plowed the fields, feeds and waters the cattle, cleaned out the barn and corn crib, mows their grass weekly(and anything else he can think of to do over there whether it needs doing or not) and I can't even get him to do simple household repairs or mow the grass here. In short, I feel he has disconnected from me emotionally, while I basically run this whole family being the caretaker and breadwinner. I will recieve the 2nd and final installment of my inheiritance in January and he's already got it spent on things he wants. This is not the man I married and I am becoming increasingly tired of picking up his slack while he acts like he has no responsibilities. He is the youngest of four and his parents treat him like he he's a little kid and has no brains whatsoever. I don't know if he believes them or what but the husband I have known and loved is no longer.
Please tell me what to do. I have tried and tried to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but we just end up arguing and I end up crying. And with the baby coming in November this is definitely something I don't need to be dealing with right now, on top of still grieving for my father. I'll need all the help I can get from him and I don't know if I can count on that with the way he's been acting for the last year. And don't even get me started on the fact that the baby is due in the middle of hunting season. That in and of itself will be a difficulty because if it's hunting season, he's gone from dawn to dusk. Help!! Divorce is not an option for this family.
AnswerWell #1 and then we'll go from there, open a seperate account for your inheritance money, so that only you can control how it is spent, in case you ever have to bail, pardon the pun. Let him know that that money isn't on the table right now until you see some positive changes along the lines you're looking for. Quite frankly with all you have on your plate, you need a councelor in person, to state to your husband the changes that need to be made. Hearing what you've written from a third impartial party is about all you can do to try to get him back on track. It isn't abnormal for someone to "burn out" like your husband may have, and try to get back to the "earth," problem is you have to many responsibilities to "live off the land" and he needs to refocus on helping you. Seek a local councelor or priest and have a talk. Divorce may not be an option at the moment but it may evolve into a best avenue, and you need to prepare both monetarily and emotionally, and properly, for that possibility.
Bill
Don't know your relationship with his parents, but indeed they may be the best councelors for him, if they understand your position.
