QuestionVery long story, spanning 18 yrs. i will try to shorten it to the less abusive hurtfull bits. Got engaged, during this my fiancee Lied to me to please his father/aunt[she looked after them like a mother so means a lot to him]his mom died when he was 15 yrs old, and his family sort of left him out, like he wasnt grieving. we got married and when our son was 3 yrs old, i found a note in his pocket of jacket for dry cleaners, note said - for gay fun phone bobby, with a phone number. he laughed at it and said it was rubbish.
he used to do european tours {coach driver]he once told me he was doing a weekend tour in uk, left me with 3 kids and no money, wouldnt answer his mobile, then 3 days later, he phoned me saying he was in france with coach and wouldnt be home for 2 weeks. i phoned his father before he told me where he was, his father seemed to know where he was, but hung up on me when i said we thought he was gay. his father is used to my husbands rotten behaviour, too many times he has bailed him out of financial problems.[ husband also did short time in jail for fraud before i meet him]anyway, 6 yrs on, my husband comes home with real bad scratches down his back, he said he did it himself as he was having an itchy back. anyone would have to have six arms all double jointed, to scratch his own back that angle.on a weekend tour to holiday resort[coach driving job], he came home with a g string in jacket pocket, said he got it out of a seaside grab machine for fun [ he thinks ive got STUPID printed on my forehead.i caught him looking at gay porn on the net, he actually held my wrists so tight that he bruised me when i tried to switch the pc monitor back on to see what he was looking so guilty about, i won, got the monitor back on, and felt sick. also next day i found LOADS of images on pc that im glad i found before my kids did.
Cutting it all short, my dad was in hospital real ill, while knowing this my husband switched the ringer off on our phone, result - my dad died and no one in my family could tell me for nearly two days. my mum died of cancer, and after it he gave me so much hell that even my kids told me he wasnt being real nice with me. 4 months ago, his father died, my kids were gutted at loosing another papa, and this was their COOL papa] my husband just seemed to cut us all out, like we didnt matter, like we werent hurting at loosing papa cool.then he started with the angry button - press dads angry button by asking him anything - take the punishment ! he would come home from work and take a turn with each of us, me and my three kids. after this he kept dissapearing [ and not answering his mobile] to the crematorium his mum went to when she died. then he wouldnt tell us much bout how he felt bout loosing his dad. his dad stayede with the fore mentioned Aunt who was as good as his mum. now he dosent just go to crematorium, he does ALL NIGHTERS, and we dont know if hes left us or if he has crashed his car around a tree. my kids get so worked up about him they cant sleep and have missed school. now four months since he lost his dad, and he has now moved out to his dads home to sleep in at night, only 5 minuits ride in car but he goes there every night saying he needs his space. i do respect his need for space and even my 3 kids undersand it. my own sister went out of her head after our own mum died, she dumped her husband of 25 yrs and her two boys while we all tried to tell her not to be rash, as she was grieving and hurting. it sort of looks like my husband is doing the same thing, yet i know he is using it, i think he is using it, but i have no one else to ask. my kids used to love him too bits, and i am trying to show them that they can still feel that way, but they keep saying no cos i am their mum and dasd has een bad too their mum. he used to be SO good with them, he used to be so good with me. my husbands father and aunt used to open his mail without his permission, he now opens mine, or actually hides it.now the aunt is in hospital with old age really, she is ust going done and sadly dosent have much longer and my kids are so upset.husband is now staying in her house [ and his dads house] and leaving me to our house on my own, im am so sorry for how long this letter was, there is somuch more that i wouldnt have the guts/bravery to type. i have no one else to tell/ ask. even the said aunt told me that she thought my husband has kept us apart/ not getting to know each other for then we could have compaired stories and realised how much of a problem he had with telling lies
. she said she felt he had a problem with lying that was too much, and she was a school headmistress for over 35 years. now she is dying god bless her and he wont let any of us see her and say goodbye. im sorry i didnt have the know how to tell u the whole story without going on and on. i have lived with this guys lies for so long that i dont know whats real /fake anymore, and im ashamed to say that sometimes i ask the only person i have, my 17 yr ols son - whats real and whats not, am i being a bitch/ is this wrong cos i dont know, i have no one else to talk too
AnswerSusan: First, thank you for writing and I admire your strength and willingness to share your pain.
Given what you have shared with me - it is obvious that your husband has some significant behavioral issues. I don't think there is much doubt in your mind (or mine), that he definitely has homosexual tendencies and has acted upon those.
Here is the problem - he has gotten away with it for years, his dad bailed him out of financial issue after financial issue. In short, your husband has never had to face some cold, stark realities of life. That will now be up to you.
Not your kids (although they need to support you), you.
You must confront him with two primary issues: homosexual behavior and his relation to his wife and children. They are connected.
1. Tell him that love him and you want the old version of him back. The one that respected you, spent time with the children, and generally took care of business.
2. Share with him your concern over the evidence and indications of homosexual behavior. Tell him that, if that is a life he wants to live, then you will release him to do so - but he can't have both a husband/wife relationship AND pursue sexual encounters and/or fantasies either in person or online. They are simply not compatible. NONE.
3. Lastly, get him to look into the future. What does he see for himself, for the marriage, for the kids? Either he makes a commitment to restoring his family or he does not. When it comes to family and/or marital solutions - there is no such thing as successful "dabbling". You can't make feeble attempts to cure cancer or solve psychological matters. It just doesn't work in either case.
It's time for your husband to make decisions that will impact the rest of his life. Give him two paths and ONLY two paths - the family or whatever else he might want to do - but he can no longer do both.
Best wishes to you and please keep me posted.
