QuestionMy wife and I have been married for 13 years. We grew up in the midwest (about 2 hours away) she from a small town and myself from a larger town. (met in college) We moved 12 years ago to California and established ourselves and careers. Daughter one came along and then we were transferred to Chicago area. This (we thought) would give us the opportunity to be with family much more - but in reality it we only saw a slight increase in family activities etc. (Chicago still a 5+ hour drive to family.) Daughter #2 came in Chicago. With daycare bills mounting, we decided to move back to California for me to work and her to stay home. We were in Chicago for 2 years total. Now, more established in California and happy (both have good jobs / kids happy at school) - my wife still yearns to be closer to her family in the midwest. She has four siblings with nieces and nephews all around this area - she feels like she is missing out on things / events that they are and will take part in (graduations etc.). While we do go back each summer for two or so weeks, she can not seem to get over the hump in terms of being content to stay in Ca. I am fine with moving if this is what is best for us, but I don't want it to be for wrong reasons. My parents visit often and purchased a house here in Ca near our's in order to see our kids etc. My wife's parents even stay at the house when they come out (about every two years)_ My parents visit about three times per year for 2-3 weeks at a time. The rest of the time the house is empty. I understand that this fact makes it easier for me (less missing of my family# and probably more difficult for her. We have good relationships with everyone #each family too). What can I do or what should I say to my wife to help her? Is counseling a good idea? I do have a good job here in Ca. and could probably find a good job in the midwest - but there is risk involved in moving with financial issues etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
AnswerHi Charles,
I reread your note a few times over to get a better idea of exactly what the situation is. I took some time to think about it and have come to the conclusion that perhaps you should sit and talk to your wife at length about this issue and perhaps consider giving your wife some years to enjoy her family and be closer to them. Ultimately, that is what it is all about. A happy wife makes for a happy husband. If you both sit down and take a look at the financial implications and consider all the other variables, you both may come to the conclusion that a few years in the midwest won't make much of a difference in the long haul. However, if you notice that uprooting everything sets you back too far, then perhaps more frequent visits to her siblings could be organized. This of course would mean that she would have to miss work more often. Would she be willing to do that to quench a thirst for seeing her family?
It's a difficult choice, because you are not alone, nor is she. Your children are also involved.
Essentially, it is very difficult to make things work out perfectly, and sometimes we have to realize that not everything can be perfect in life. Right now, the number of people that would have to be uprooted to meet one of your wife's desires is substantial, and this has to be taken into account. The very fact that you would consider it is telling me that you have a lot of respect for your wife's desires.
I believe that she has to take a good look at what the consequences would be for the kids and for you and her both, to have to change jobs, change homes, and friends, as well as have your parents sell their home in Ca, so that she can see her siblings more often, considering of course the fact that her siblings may or may not have the available themselves with their busy lives.
It's not something that is easy, but I can only suggest that you keep talking about it in detail with your wife to try to find a solution that will make things easier on all parties involved, with the thought that nothing remains the same, and with time, every situation changes.
I fully understand that the best situation would be to have both sides of the family living within an hour of each other, but life simply does not work that way in most cases. When we raise our own family , we go to where we believe we will find the most happiness and success. We will miss cousins and brothers and sisters and miss many occasions that we wished we could be present for, but in the end, the truth remains that it is our direct family, our spouses, and our children that have to be put first in any equation.
So that you can understand where I am coming from, I have a sister in London, England, one is in Holland, a mother an hour away and father is in Tampa. I know what your wife is feeling.
With this in mind, I think that ultimately, you both being reasonable people, you will find a workable solution to this issue. Don't let it become a problem in your relationship, as it is clear that you both seem to respect each other immensely, and that is a wonderful basis for further discussion on this difficult issue.
Charles, consider also that the internet today is a wonderful tool that can be used in many ways to bring us closer together these days. Regular communications and videos and photos can make a huge difference for those times in between the holidays and special events where we can meet with siblings.
kindest regards,
Don.
