QuestionYou said you have experience with adoption - I am curious to know your stand on adoptees having access to their original birth certificate/knowing their biological backgrounds.
AnswerHi, Diane,
When we adopted, these records were sealed. Open adoption was rare, although I did know a woman who placed her baby in an open adoption just a couple of years later.
How I stand is that I support the search for one's birth parents. We have told our sons this, that we support their search. I think that medical records that contain important information about hereditary tendencies should be passed on to the adoptive parents. It should be a requirement. We ran into a situation with each child, where having that information would have been very helpful. The records can be sent "anonymously" with all identifying information removed.
But the question of searching for one's birth family is a little more complicated. There are some people who will not be able to find out anything, no matter what. Children who are displaced by war, or who have been brought here from overseas, most often fit into this category. I wouldn't want them to suffer emotional agonies because they cannot learn of their bio family as other adoptees can, and we should think of them when we make policies. Some bio parents want their identities kept confidential, and I do think they have that right. I told our two sons that if their bio family wanted to be in touch, they would have registered with one of the organizations that helps reunite families. I said that if this hadn't been done, that they should respect their bio family's wishes. This is tough. But I believe it's important.
These days, most bio parents would welcome contact.
A person should look at the reasons for wanting to find his or her bio family. These issues should be dealt with regardless. I have a friend who was adopted, and then her entire adoptive family all died, so she was alone. She did search, and found her bio family, and spent some time with them. There wasn't this huge reunion that meant they then really connected as family. This is often true simply because the adopted child is raised in another environment and doesn't necessarily share interests and activities in common.
One of our sons is highly gifted in music. I'd love to know what family member that came from. That said, I also want to thank the bio mother of each of them for having them and letting us raise them.
I also tell people that a person's family is the one who raises them. Most adoptees feel this way at least in part. It is interesting that although both of our adopted children would like to find their bio families, they haven't exactly pursued it eagerly. I was ready to be of help, and so was a friend, but they just haven't done much with it. One of our sons did contact Montel Williams, who promised to help, but nothing came of it.
Obviously, the birth mother is also important. I have a friend who calls herself a "life mother" because she has this status. I like the way she looks at it. You can see the web site she put together here:
http://www.lifemothers.com/
She was in a unique situation because she had placed her daughter for adoption (open) and she and the adoptive family kept in touch. When she became pregnant with her son, she and I talked, and she ultimately decided to parent. The adoptive mother of her daughter was very helpful during her pregnancy, and now the two children play together.
There are many different stories and situations, but I hope this helps. If you have other questions, please feel free to ask.
