QuestionQUESTION: Hi Doctor Becky,
My husband suffered from depression about 4 years back,things have improved a lot for him since then,however I cannot say the same for our relationship.He also had some other medical problems that stressed him out more than it would other people(kidney stones-had surgeries for that,calcium imbalance,high uric acid).Since he got depressed he started yelling at me sometimes,acusing me as being quilty of everything that happened in our life and he did not like,he is worried to get another job(not because he is lazy)-he has been for a year without a job,if I am trying to push him to get a job he becomes angry,he says he wants to open his own business(in my opinion he is trying to avoid contact with people as he fears he will fail or people will laugh at him even though he is a very capable men),but his ideas of opening a business are not so realistic as we would need him to work too in order to have the resources for that.I have been quiet all these years waiting for him to get better,I love him very much and I would do anything to see him happy,but I am just not sure what is better for me to do.To shut up when he yells at me(he also does not show me any phisical affection,no sex-very rare once every few months and it's so mechanical that I would rather not at all-for example he looks at other naked women on magasines or internet while only doing the phisical act with me-so I feel humiliated,no hugs,no kisses,however he shows deep interest if I am sick, cought a cold,cooks for me,even puts gas for me in the car,warms up the house,runs to the store even in the middle of the night if I want something etc)to let him not work and try to get myself a second job to help him acomplish what he wishes for,or to push him to get a job as I personally think contact with people will benefit him.What would be best for him?Recently, after one of these fights(when I asked him to get a job) and I was in so much pain crying as he again yelled at me,he said that maybe it's better to take a break to clarify our feelings.Do you think this would be beneficial or it would make the matter worse?I don't know anymore what to do,I have tryed everything,i have tryed to be affectionate with him but he pushes me away,he was saying it is my fault I didn't dress up attractive,but I realised it is not me,as my weight or anything else about me never changed since we met and everyone else finds me attractive,so i find it hard to believe that this is the reason.I have tryed everything that I could think of to make him happy,but nothing seems to matter to him.I have gone on trips which he seemed to somewhat enjoy,but never enough to tell me that he liked them.I simply feel i ran out of things I can do as a human being to make another human being happy.Will this depression ever go away?I am wondering.Should i just continue to be patient and wait?If I tell him to change something and it involves contact with other people he always gets angry and very stressed out.I don't want to make him sicker.We also want a baby,he does too(as I am already 34),but how can we do this if he will not work.I am sorry for being so long,thank you in advance for your patience reading this and many thanks for your answer.
ANSWER: Hi Khristine,
Thanks for writing and I am sorry for your pain.
You can't fix your husband, you can't make him happy ... he has to fix himself and get the help he needs -- and he needs professional help. You can't make him get it ... this is something he has to do for himself. Whatever you do, do not have a baby with this man while he is in this condition.
What you need to do now is focus on you and what your needs are. Your choices are to leave things the way they are and wait for him to get help on his own, which may never happen, or you can separate or do something equally as drastic to get his attention that you are serious about wanting him to get help. Sitting around trying to fix him and waiting around is just enabling the problem. It is time he had a wake up call, and you'd be doing him a favor by doing something that would motivate him to get the help he needs, like telling him he'll lose you if he doesn't get help. BUT, you have to mean it, and you have to follow through. Your actions, not just words, will be meaningful in this case.
I wish you the best.
Doctor Becky
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you very much for your time and answer.I just have one more question.The reason I was not following through with my actions was that every time we have a discussion as of what he needs to do,he, not only that gets angry but also gets headaches and dizzines,which are signs of the depression.My only worry is that I may cause his depression to return in the stage that he had it a few years back(he could not even get up from bed,had panick attacks,he needed a lot of proffesional support,medications and my help off course).You also mentioned besides separation,something "equaly as drastic" that I could do.Is there anything in particular that you had in mind?
Thank you,
Khristine
AnswerHi Khristine,
If you cannot discuss the issue with this man then that is a real problem. He makes sure you can't by having the physical and emotional reactions when issues are addressed. This is a way of controlling you, my dear. Stop falling for it. (In healthy relationships our partners allow us to safely discuss our concerns.) If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum, no matter what his reaction may be, and if he doesn't meet your deadline I would leave. No matter how bad off he gets, stay away. Don't let him manipulate you into returning with his physical and emotional reactions. When he sees just how serious you are, he may well be motivated to get help. If he does, don't immediately come back. Give him a few months to prove that this is real and not a manipulation.
As far as other drastic things, the best and healthiest one is the one I just mentioned. You have to turn your back on him to help him hit rock bottom. When he hits bottom he'll get help. This is the same plan families of alcoholics use to stop enabling their family member and to force them to get help. They do this because it works. So long as you are controlled by his reactions and the guilt you feel, you are part of the problem. Free yourself ... it may save him.
Good luck.
Dr. B
