Helping a Friend Rebuild Confidence After a Difficult Marriage

Question
hi samantha,i have a friend who works with me.she has been through a rough marriage.her husband has cheated on her in the past but she stayed with him for the sake of the kids.her kids have grown up know and she is looking to move out.and get on with her life but she is scared and she is lacking confidence in her self.she blames her self for her husband cheating on her ,she is always putting her self down.her hubby has never shown her any love or paid her much attenion over the years thier love life has been  non exsitent for a long time.she think's she's ugly n fat b'cos of this,she think's no bloke will like her and she's going to end up on her own.she's a good lookin woman and every time i tell her .she think's im just being nice b'cos im her friend.please can u advise me on what to say to her.

Answer
Hi Rajinder~

All you can do for her is try to be as supportive to her as you can.  Keep giving her the compliments and being nice to her.  Sometimes being a friend is the best thing you can do for someone.  With her having a low self-esteem it's not likely that she'll change her view point on herself anytime soon.  Although it is possible, but she has to want to accept help and support in order for her to change her negativity about herself and the way she sees herself on the inside and what others see of her.  This has obviously taken a huge toll on her self-esteem, self-worth and most importantly her spirit has been crushed.  She doesn't feel worthy of praise, love and attention.  So she talks down about herself b/c it's what she's known and used to from her husband all these years.  She has to learn to change her frame of mind and come out of her shell and learn to love herself.  Otherwise, how's she going to learn to believe what you say to her and to accept compliments and the like.  She won't.  She has to be open to it and accept that you're telling her the truth.  You can't really help her much if she's unwilling to accept help.  And you're fighting a losing battle with her.  Perhaps you can sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her.  And tell her from an outsider point of view, and that it doesn't have to be this way anymore.  She has the power to change her life for the better and she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.  The key here is she has to be open to change and praise, etc.  If she's unable or unwilling to let you in even as a friend, then she's keeping her guard up and insulting herself to cope and deal with all that she's been through.  Be her friend and try to love and support her as a friend should.  The rest is up to her to change.  Hopefully with your encouragement she'll eventually one day see this.  I think it's great that you're willing to be such a wonderful friend to her in her time of need.  I hope this helps you some, and that one day she'll see all the effort your going through on her behalf.