QuestionI am 23 and have fallen in love with a beautiful man. He is older 34, Our age difference is not an issue. We are getting married in October this year.
He was married before, his first wife had cystic fibrosis and died 8 years ago at the age of 27. Though I have no doubt he loves me and feels the same love he felt for his first wife I cant help but feel I will never be good enough and I sometimes wonder if he wishes she was still here and not me.
I have a lot of guilt about the way I feel toward her as I often have thoughts of jealousy and even at times resentment because I know she meant a lot to him. I even think sometimes that I'm glad she isn't here.
I think about her everyday sometimes I talk to her about things and say how sorry I am , sometimes I'm angry.
I just cant get over this feeling that I will never make him as happy as she could of and I don't want to live my life feeling second best. Then with these bad feelings toward her I feel guilt as I see the pain he would have went through and I just want to take it all away for him because I love him.
He also has 2 tattoos in her honour which I hate, I feel they are apart of his body that is not mine, I avoid touching him there and even try not to look at them.
I guess my question is how do I get over this, he is over his loss why do I seem to make such a big deal of this. Why does it upset me so much and am I a awful person for being jealous of the time they shared.
I never meet her , he had another relationship after his wife before me and said she never had an issue with it. Why does it mess me up so much.
Please help
Regards Jess
AnswerHi Jess,
Thanks for writing.
What a way to start off a marriage. But it sounds like your future husband is not throwing his deceased wife in your face, YOU are! I'm sure that woman was a great one, but if she had cystic fibrosis she was sick most of her life, and I'm sure that took up most of her energy and concentration. What I'm saying is, I'll bet her illness took up most of her identity and who she was. Some people are attracted to people with problems such as illness and enjoy being caretakers ... mental health professionals call them codependent. But people who are healthy do the care taking when illness or problems arise, but it is not what attracts them. If your future husband is the healthy guy I'm hoping he is, he did what he had to do to help his wife when she needed him, but he is probably totally relieved to have met a young woman who is healthy and vibrant -- you!
Human beings are born to give meaning to things. Take a snake for example. To some people a snake is something to be feared -- they give a very negative meaning to when a snake is present. Other people enjoy snakes as pets, and they would give snakes a positive meaning. You can take any subject on earth and people will give it a different meaning -- good, bad, and anything in between. We humans run into problems when we put meanings to things that make us suffer, and for some reason you are putting a meaning on the first wife ... who she was ... her meaning to your future husband, and it is causing you to suffer. So I ask you, what are the thoughts you are telling yourself that is causing this? Are you saying she was better than you, that he loved her more than you? Please do some self examination and answer this question. Then, I want you to look for solid evidence to prove the thoughts that you are having. For example, if you feel she was better than you, I want you to find solid evidence that she is better than you -- I am saying this because I don't think you'll find it. Yes, she may have been wonderful, but better than you, my dear? I doubt it.
And tattoos? Those are just things people put on themselves in the moment. You know that, don't you?? If most people could erase tattoos with the names of old loves, they would. But in any event, your fiance did love that woman when he put that on his body, so that's just where he was at the time. Can you just look at it as a historical artifact rather than where his heart is today?
In the end, I suggest you look at you and all that you have -- the number one thing being your health!! Focus on what you have to offer. I'm sure his deceased wife was a good woman ... but she's not here, YOU are!! Maybe you could put her to rest in your own mind with a little ceremony or ritual -- just between you and her. Do whatever you need to that is healthy for you, and that will help you to move forward and not to be stuck in things that don't matter anymore.
Good luck to you dear -- I hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
