Navigating Infidelity: Rebuilding Trust After Deception

Question
I have been married for almost 12 years with 2kids.  Lately I found out after a lot of questioning that my husband visited lap dance clubs and also asked for the girl's mobile numbers.  He kept lying until he admitted he did have bad intentions but swore nothing happened.  He has lied to me about a lot of things and for me to trust him completely is very difficult.  He said he was going through a bad time but now wants our marriage to work and says he still loves me a lot.  Still I don't believe him.  I also found out he's hidden porn DVDs in the house.  Should I leave him? He's not really doing much to help me gain my trust again. Thank you

Answer
Dear Jeanette,
If your husband had visited lap dance clubs and asked for other girls numbers while you have been married, this still would be a form of infidelity. You do not have to actually have sex in order for it to be labeled infidelity. Any type of emotional attachment or desire to pursue a relationship with another is also infidelity. It sounds as if the morals and values that he has does not match yours. This type of situation can be very hard on a family. The kids can sense that something is wrong and sometimes it can be even be more inhibiting to stay together. If you are fighting constantly and/or there is an absence of love or emotion, it may be important to separate and take time to think on your own. Many husbands say that they will not do these acts again or that they still love and will do anything for you; when in actuality they will never stop. For some it is an addiction and it becomes even more exciting when they do things like this behind the others back and get away with it. Some, with the help of counseling or coaching will eventually stop but will probably be a constant battle that they have to resist all their life. It is like an alcoholic or a drug addict. They can not live without the temptation. Your kids will have a hard time at first, but after awhile, possibly several years, they will see that you respected yourself enough to not put up will this kind of disrespect. A great book to get is, "Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage" by Gary Smalley. Also to find a coach/counselor, you can go to www.coachestraininginstitute.com. Then go to "find a coach". Most offer a free sample session so that you can try them out to see which one is best for you and your husband.
Good luck and write back if you need!
Kiya